back in the red: THE WEAKEST GIMP

LANSTROM: Welcome to The Weakest Gimp. We have 7 players playing today, each will be asked a question and at the end of the round the players will vote off one player, The Weakest Gimp. Each correct answer will win the team $£ 50 and you must say 'Bank' to keep the money won safe. it's time to meet the players:

LISTER: Hi!! I'm Dave Lister from Liverpool and my Occupation is...er bum!!

RIMMER:I'm Arnie J Rimmer, 2nd Technician aboard the JMC Mining Ship Red Dwarf

KRYTEN:Hello, I'm Kryten 2X4B 523P and I'm the service Mechanoid aboard Red Dwarf

CAT: I'm Cat and I'm Smooth with a capital Smoooo....

KOCHANSKI:I'm Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski

HOLLISTER:I'm Captain F Hollister, Captain on Red Dwarf

*a piece of paper hits Hollister on the head, Rimmer looks up and whistles trying to look innocent*

ACKERMAN:I'm Ackerman, Nicey Ackerman and I don't take crap from scum like them! *points at rest of crew*

ROUND 1

LANSTROM:The winning prizes will be the amount of $£'s you win over the rounds, a Pot Noodle and a keyring with Norbert written on it. Starting with Lister, let's play, The Weakest Gimp!.... Lister, how many Cat people does it take to change a lightbulb?

LISTER: Er.... none, cos they're all too vein to do it!!

LANSTROM: Correct....... Rimmer, can you spell Fish?

LISTER: (whispers) pssst, Rimmer, man, F-I-S-H

RIMMER:(whispers) Smeg Off you gimboid, I know!!.. (to Lanstrom) It's F-I-S-H

LANSTROM: Correct......Kryten, what won the 2024 prize for the best cleaning instrument?

KRYTEN:Thats easy maam, it was a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag

LANSTROM: Correct...Cat, What was last season's designer wear?

CAT: Hmmm, that was a cute little black number with lemon trimmings and gold buckles.. hey if you caught me wearing that now you have my permission to shoot me through the head!!

LANSTROM: I'll keep that in mind, Correct by the way.... Kochanski, who said 'All smeggers will die'?

KOCHANSKI:You did, just then!?

LANSTROM: Correct...

HOLLISTER:Bank

LANSTROM: Hollister, what's the first item on the Red Dwarf Salad Bar Menu?

HOLLISTER: Er...er.....I've never...er....don't know

LANSTROM:The answer is Lettuce.... Ackerman, are you free on Friday?

ACKERMAN:Yes

LANSTROM: Correct!...that's the end of the round, you have banked a good $£250, but it could have been more, who's holding you back, who shouldn't be here? It's time to vote off The Weakest Gimp

*Players pick up boards and start to write the names of who should go*

LANSTROM:Ok, voting over. It's time to reveal, The Weakest Gimp!!

LISTER: *turns card over* Captain Hollister

RIMMER: *turns card over* Capitano Hollister

KRYTEN: *turns card over* Ms Kochanski!

KOCHANSKI:You Bastard!!

CAT: *turns card over* That Hollister dude!

*Kochanski scrubs out what she's written and writes something else*

KOCHANSKI:*turns card over* Kryten!!! *she gives Kryten an icy glare!*

HOLLISTER:*turns card over* Ackerman!

ACKERMAN: *turns card over* Hollister!!

LANSTROM:Well, with 4 votes, Captain Hollister, you're gone, twinkle, twinkle little eye, you are the weakest gimp, goodbye!!!

HOLLISTER:I demand a re-count!!

*Lanstrom shoots at Hollister with her Hexvision but he dodges it and runs off*

RIMMER:I've never seen something so large run since they told the league of Sumo Wrestlers they'd opened an all night sushi bar in Tokyo!!

Hollisters Loser Speech:

HOLLISTER: Bastards!! no-one will win, cos they're all bastards!!, Kryten will win

 ROUND 2

LANSTROM: So, you're down to 6 players. In this round each correct answer is worth $£70. Ok, starting with Lister again, let's play, The Weakest Gimp!!!!... Lister, what was Napoleon's surname?

LISTER: Er........ Blownapart!!! *laughs*

LANSTROM:Hmm, something tell's me you're not taking this seriously, wrong, Bonaparte..., Rimmer, what is the surname for the 20th Century Astronaut Buzz...

RIMMER:Ahhhhh, thats easy, it's Lightyear!! *looks smug*

LANSTROM:Wrong, it's Buzz Aldrin!

RIMMER:I think you'll find you're wrong! *looks smug again*

LANSTROM: I'm not!!

RIMMER:You are!!

LISTER: Rimmer, shut the smeg up, you're wrong!!

RIMMER:Excuse me?

LISTER: I said shut the smeg up!!

Rimmer produces a notebook and pen and writes

RIMMER:Ok, laddie, you're in the book for this, thats no way to speak to a superior officer!!

*Lanstrom fries the notepad with her Hexvision*

LANSTROM: You're wrong!

RIMMER:O-o-o-k *whimpers*

LANSTROM: Kryten, what washing powder leaves your whites 'Soda Bright'!?

KRYTEN:Thats Surf, Maam

LANSTROM:Correct...

CAT: Bank!!

LANSTROM:Cat, who sang the immortal lines 'I'm too sexy for this shirt'?

CAT: I don't know but they must have been singing about me!! Hey, sometimes I'm so sexy my shirts just melt when I put them on!!!

LANSTROM:The answer was 'Right Said Fred' ... Kochanski, what is Space Corps Directive #147?,

KOCHANSKI:Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on production of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit!

RIMMER:Trust her to get the easy ones! *whispers to Lister* .. *Lister tuts*

LANSTROM:Correct

ACKERMAN:Bank!

LANSTROM:Ackerman, why do you wear such tight trousers?

ACKERMAN: Because it drives the ladie's crazy!

LANSTROM:Correct!...

RIMMER:Something tell's me she likes him, this is just not fair, I demand fairer questions!!

*A red beam flies over Rimmers right shoulder, Lanstrom's Hex Vision has narrowly missed him*

LANSTROM: You said something?

RIMMER:No, no maam, absolutely not Maam, I was just saying to my old chum Lister here what a fair minded Quiz Hostess you are and in no way are the Questions being made easy for a One eyed, power crazy gimp! *smiles*

LANSTROM:In that round you banked a measly $£140, who is holding you back, who should be fried where they stand, it's time to vote off, The Weakest Gimp!

*Players pick up boards and start to write the names of who should go*

LANSTROM: Ok, voting over, it's time to reveal The Weakest Gimp!

LISTER: *turns card over* Ackerman

RIMMER:*turns card over* Ackerman

KRYTEN: *turns card over* Ms Kochanski

CAT: *turns card over* Goalpost Head

KOCHANSKI:*gives Kryten a cold glare and turns card over*Kryten!!

ACKERMAN:*turns card over* Lister

LANSTROM:Well, for some reason you've voted off one of the strongest links, with 2 votes, Ackerman you are the weakest gimp, Goodbye!!!

ACKERMAN:I'll get you all for this!!

LANSTROM:*whispers to Ackerman* Outside, 20 minutes?

ACKERMAN:Indeed you will

 Ackerman's loser speech:

ACKERMAN: Those...those..I'll get them for this, Kryten will win, not that I care, I have a date in 20 minutes

 ROUND 3

LANSTROM:You're now down to 5 players and have $£390 in the bank, it's now $£80 for a correct answer, we start with Lister again, it's time to play The Weakest Gimp!!...Lister, whats the best drink to have with a Vindaloo?

LISTER: Lager, obviously!!

LANSTROM:Correct....

RIMMER:Bank!!

LANSTROM:Rimmer, what is Space Corps Directive #349?

RIMMER:Er...erm.....any crew member caught with two sticks of Celery stuck up their nose will be classed as a lunatic, thus forfeiting all rights for free drinks at the Captains ball!!

LANSTROM: Wrong....the correct answer is, Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension rights.

RIMMER:Smeg!!

LANSTROM:Kryten, what substance can be deadly if the drive plates are mis-repaired?

KRYTEN:I believe that would be Cadmium 2, Maam!

LANSTROM:Correct..

RIMMER:That was a cheap shot if I do say so maam!!

LANSTROM:Cat, how many pairs of shoes does the average man have?

CAT: I heard somewhere it was 2!!? I mean can you believe that? I have to change into at least 14 different pairs before breakfast!!

LANSTROM: Riiiiiiighhhhtttttt, anyway, you were correct, 2 it is, well, probably, who cares really...

KOCHANSKI:Bank!!

LANSTROM:Kochanski, what school did Rimmer go to?

KOCHANSKI:How the smeg would I know?

LANSTROM:The correct answer was Io House, and at the end of that round you banked $£240 bringing your total to $£630, it should be more. Who's not pulling their weight? Who needs to go and research some books to enhance their knowledge? It's time to vote off The Weakest Gimp!

*Players pick up boards and start to write the names of who should go*

LANSTROM:Ok, voting over, let's see who will be The Weakest Gimp

LISTER: *turns card over* Cat

RIMMER:*turns card over* Cat

KRYTEN:*turns card over* Ms Kochanski

KOCHANSKI:This time I'll how I'm mature *turns card over* Cat

CAT: *turns card over* Officer BB

LANSTROM:Well, a close run thing this time but with 3 votes, Cat, you are the Weakest Gimp, Goodbye!!!

Cat's loser speech:

CAT: Hey!! I couldn't care if I won that thing!!! I'm more concerned that I haven't changed my suit in 14 minutes, or had a shower for 20, man, I need to go scrub myself clean with 12 bottles of bleach!! I smell like a Yeti!! .... and I think Kryten will win

ROUND 4

LANSTROM:You're now down to 4 players and have $£630 in the bank, it' goes up to $£100 for a correct answer, and this is the last round for one Question each, after this there will be two Questions each, but first we must find out who goes, we start with Lister again, it's time to play The Weakest Gimp!!...Lister, name one type of cheese?

LISTER: Er...melted...with curry sauce on the top!

LANSTROM:Er.....I think we can accept that

RIMMER:Bank!!

LANSTROM:Rimmer, what free gift came with Morris Dancer Monthly Edition #36 Volume 1

RIMMER:Er...ahhhh smeg....what was it!!!...er....smeg...I've forgotten!!

LANSTROM:It was a a packet of 'Knee Bells'

RIMMER:Porky Roebuck stole them...the little bastard!!

LANSTROM:Kryten, how many Bond Films have there been?

KRYTEN:oh my!! I lost count at Bond 2726: The Bond With The Bionic Back...I'll say there have been 2726

LANSTROM:Wrong, 3429, the last being....The Man With The Golden Zimmer Frame....Kochanski, what is the hardest substance known to man?

KOCHANSKI:Er....Diamond?

LANSTROM:No...The correct answer is Listers Underpants...and at the end of that round you banked a measly $£100, in the next Round it's two questions each so it's a chance for big money, who's least likely to help the team build the cash up? It's time to vote of The Weakest Gimp!!

*Players pick up boards and start to write the names of who should go*

LANSTROM:Ok, voting over, it's time to reveal The Weakest Gimp!

LISTER: *turns card over* Rimmer

RIMMER: *turns card over* Listy Poo's!!

KRYTEN:*turns card over* Mr Lister....I'm sorry Sir, but my 'Competitive' chip is on overload, getting rid of you is my best chance of winning

KOCHANSKI:*turns card over* Kryten!

LANSTROM:Well, Lister with 2 votes the team have voted you The Weakest Gimp, Goodbye!!

Lister's loser speech:

LISTER: Me!! I was the best one out there! Anyway, I need a Curry so I'm glad I was voted off, I think Kryten will win

ROUND 5

LANSTROM:You're now down to 3 players and $£730 in the bank, a very disappointing amount. OK, in this round it's $£100 for a right answer again but you will all be asked two questions each, ok, starting with Rimmer, it's time to play the Weakest Gimp; .... Rimmer, on average how many Space Weavils does a craft the size of Red Dwarf have?

RIMMER:7, 453?

LANSTROM:Correct!!!, Kryten, what is the biggest Groinal Attachment ever owned by a Mechanoid?

KRYTEN:That would be 14 metres, owned by Techtio, an Italian Mech, Maam!

LANSTROM:Correct!! Kochanski, who was the first man on the moon?

KOCHANSKI:Neil Armstrong

LANSTROM:Correct!, have you been looking at my cards?

RIMMER:Bank!!

LANSTROM:Rimmer, how many suits does Cat own?

RIMMER:How the smeg would i know!!

LANSTROM:The answer is 18, 459..... Kryten, what Anniversary is November 25th?

KRYTEN:Oooh, I...er...don't know maam

LANSTROM:It's Gazpacho Soup Day

RIMMER:Lister you little git, you told her!!!! *shouts*

LANSTROM:Kochanski, is Lister good? you know!?

KOCHANSKI:No comment

LANSTROM: Incorrect answer....ok, thats the end of the round and you banked $£300 making your total winnings today $£1030 to take into the final round, but first we must lose another player. It's time to vote off, The Weakest Gimp!!

*Players pick up boards and start to write the names of who should go*

LANSTROM: Ok, voting over, let's see who will be The Weakest Gimp

RIMMER:*turns card over* Ms Kochanski

KRYTEN:*turns card over* Ms Kochanski

KOCHANSKI:*turns card over* Kryten

LANSTROM: Well, Ms Kochanski the team feel they're better off without you, Kochanski, you are the Weakest Gimp, Goodbye!!!

Kochanski loser speech:

KOCHANSKI:They knew I'd win, the cheating....I'm so annoyed I could crush a bunch of flowers!!

FINAL ROUND

LANSTROM:Well, it's time for the final round. You will both be asked Two Questions, the one to answer the most questions correctly will be the winner, if it's a tie after 2 Questions, it will go to sudden death. It's time to play, The Weakest Gimp!!.... Rimmer, what are the names of the Skutters?

RIMMER:Ahhhh, you'll have to give me harder questions than that Maam, that'll be Bob and Madge, Maam

LANSTROM: Correct!! Kryten, what goes into Space Weavil Stew?

KRYTEN:Space Weavil, Space Weavil, Carrots and ... er... Space Weavil, Maam

LANSTROM:Correct!! Rimmer, what deck on Red Dwarf are the programmable virus's kept?

RIMMER:Ooooh, smeg...where did the Skutters get them from...ooh, Z Deck!!

LANSTROM:Correct!! Kryten, you have to answer this to stay in the game, if not, Rimmer wins. Kryten, is it true that Lister and Kochanski are getting married at this moment?

KRYTEN:What!!!!! *head explodes*

LANSTROM:Errr.... well, I think that makes you the winner. Rimmer you go away with $£1030, a Pot Noodle and a keyring with Norbert written on it. Kryten, you go away with no head.

RIMMER:How absolutely marvelous!!

LANSTROM:Join us next time for the Weakest Gimp, Goodbye!!

Rimmer's winning speech:

RIMMER:Well, I always knew I'd win, they never thought I had a chance they have some crazy idea that I'm rubbish when it comes to Question and Answer's, I don't know how. I'd like to thank...er..... me!! for my courageous fight to the end when all seemed lost. At this moment, a brave new soldier, a soldier called Arnie J, step's into the limelight to prove he is the strongest Gimp, not just an ordinary Gimp, but a strong one. I thank you!