back in the red: THE CRYSTAL SHIP
written by Kelly Cowley:

"It's one of those unwritten laws of the cosmos! It's like this, Listy. The good will die young, in their insignificant acts of foolish heroism, where as the weasels will survive through the ages, simply because they..."

"Yeah, whatever man. Don't give yourself a spasm."

But Rimmers pupils continued to dilate with his delusions of glory and forced machismo. "My God! You should have seen that grim, gimboid drop to his knees! I tell you Listy, he should have known better than to trifle with Arnie J."

Lister grunted. The smeghead had been babbling on about some gothic vision, that was probably terror induced, since they'd rescued him. What had happened was upon realising their error, the dwarfers had been left with pretty much "Challenge Anneka" time to build a second prism in the alternative reality, which would allow them to pass back through the mirror. They arrived not a moment too soon. Red Dwarf had been dissolving around them like an alcoholic's brain cells on an all night pub-crawl. They'd then found Rimmer in one of his fear frenzies, beating a lippy dispensing machine with a can of Coca-Cola. It had taken some effort for his crew mates to prize him from his tantrum, in order to drag him back through the link way.

Only they hadn't made it. They'd wound up here instead.

"Indeedy" said Rimmer, braying with his nostrils, "there'll be no early bed time for the Iron Duke!"

"Rimmer have you got the memory of a goldfish, as well as the backbone of one? You've been dead for 3 million years! I lived with your software spirit for the following 5 years, so I'd hardly say your immune to..."

"Oh, if only I had my space adventurer diaries with me now!" He interjected, steadfastly. "Then I could record this landmark moment, while its still clear in my head."

Lister deflated. Trying to keep sane the man appointed to keep him sane was driving him bonkers. And their peculiar scene, sure wasn't helping his mood. Nor was the tales from the crypt atmosphere, as the only thing illuminating their space was Krytens up-ended flash light. He turned now to his Guardian Android, as he always did in these stupefying situations, and asked him just what the smeg was going on. Actually, the uppity mech was at that time in the midst of a heated tiff with the love of Listers life. But Kryten just managed to iron the bitchy tone out of his voice before replying to his beloved master.

"Well sir, it appears that we haven't in fact made the successful crossover back to the mirror universe."

"Really?"

"Why yes, we may have, in actual fact, entered an entirely different dimension of space..."

"Really?!"

"...Or non-space."

"Or reality." piped up K.K.

"Or time." Kryten matched her.

"Brutal..." Lister moaned flatly.

The Navigation Officer glared at Rimmer. "And with the way old loo brush hair here has been bleating on, I might even hazard that we've made it to the afterlife to boot!"

"Yes, of course ma'am." said Kryten. "However I think we can chalk that notion down to your slightly deranged mental state, caused by the erratic female body cycles we all know your experiencing."

Krissy's sweet pea face scrunched into a manic leer that would rival Kill Crazy's. "Let me warn you now, for the next 4 days my temper is as short as a decapitated termite. And will blow like the atom bomb dropped on Mount Etna!"

"Apologies, ma'am" said Kryten, with no trace of regret in his voice. "No need to get your knickers in a twist...though I might add that if you didn't insist on wearing those feeble, impractical and so unnecessarily frilled panties, your comfort levels during these periods would be..."

The droid was cut off by five long, varnished fingernails, which had lashed into his visuals and sent one of his eyeballs soaring through mid air.

"How's that for erratic, Robo-cockless!" The menstrual girl laughed sadistically, and Lister wondered why it was that this hypersensitive, Jane Austin fan had such a hold on his heartstrings. He was just about to call a truce between them, when the Cat suddenly looked up from his nasal investigation.

"Boy, you monkey's can be so dumb! Don't you even get where we are?"

Three and a half pairs of eyes regarded him blankly.

"Were still in the magic door!"

"What are you dribbling about, you infuriating furball?" sneered Rimmer.

The Felis Sapien was unvexed. "It's like I said Buddy- were stuck inside a mirror!"

Lister raised an eyebrow. "Couldn't that just be wishful thinking on your part?"

The Cat grinned, grateful for the reminder of his colossal narcissism. He took out a hand held mirror from his breast pocket, to check how he was looking. A fanged beauty was reflected in flattering shadow. His knees grew weak. His voice grew slippery. "Looking nice..." he whispered.

Lister was feeling listless. All this bickering and absurdity was getting on his pec's. He decided to go for mooch around and leave the others to bounce off the jagged walls for a while. However, the second he ducked into one of the twinkling tunnels, he winced. A mothering voice had stopped him in his tracks.

"Sir! I really don't think its wise in this strange place for you to go gallivanting off on your own. For goodness sake, there could be all kinds of unknown dangers!"

"Danger?!" Rimmer squeaked his bravado evaporating and his yellow streak returning with a vengeance. "Who said anything about danger!" His panicked eyes darted from left to right checking for any scythe wielding black reapers that were lurking, and through his chattering teeth he began to sing a song about a lamb. It was a sight Kochanski found oddly therapeutic.

"Oh, I won't play out long, Krytes!" said Lister with imposed insolence. And before any of them could say another word, the posse's centrepiece scampered down a passage into the unknown.

Lister walked for a long time. Musing.

In the dim flame of his cigarette lighter, he saw that the terrain had a coarse, icy look like a derelict igloo. At first glance he might have believed that they actually were in some sort of arctic cavern, if it was not for the fierce heat. The temperature reminded Lister his frequent night sweats, brought on by excessive vindaloo consumption. And the scene was like taking a stroll through the quatzy intestines of the galaxies largest ball of silica.

Sketchy and non-sequitorial thoughts were running through Listers baffled head. He thought about how people always see Hell as red and Heaven as white. He thought about how diamond was unbreakable, and formed with pure carbon. He thought of mirrors. Particularly he thought of the magic mirrors in funhouses, that had always scared the shit out of him out as a kid. Vividly he remembered staring at his distorted doppelganger in the glass. He then tried to imagine what it would be like to be trapped inside a mirror, and considered how, if the Cat was right- reality was doubtful. He shivered and regarded the formless, sparkling passageway. A broken mirror? 7 years bad luck. Or possibly 7 years good luck- it depended which side universe they were in.

Finally, Lister thought what a bright idea it would be for him to stop thinking. He sneezed. He wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"Oi! Watch where you're smearing that will you, Dave."

Lister nearly jumped clean out of his skin, till he remembered himself. He beamed down at the senile and occasionally androgynous computer displayed on his wristwatch.

"Holly!"

"Right on."

"I'd forgot about you- you scared me half to death!" Lister paused, and found he couldn't resist. "Hol, what's happening, Dude?"

"Beats me Dave. At least we're safe from an expiring mining vessel though, hey? ." He chuckled. "Looks like another case of you lot taking a trip through the nearest lope hole in the laws of time, space and reality. Jeez, I wonder who's at the bottom of this one."

"The nanobots?" offered Lister.

"Yeah, I guess so. Maybe something to do with the positive virus's too."

Lister hummed absently in agreement.

"Or a dimensional rip" Holly went on. "...Or unreality bubbles...time holes...who knows? But I'm sure it'll all become clear in the end."

"I suppose so-Crystal clear!"

"Yeah. Nice one Dave."

Suddenly, Lister was aware of a savage growling coming up fast behind him. Out of the darkness. And before he could turn the thing pounced upon him- Zero-Gee tackling his defenceless body to the ground. Lister's attacker hissed down his ear hole.

"How's that for a game of Cat and mouse, rodent breath?"

Lister counted to ten, then twisted his neck to eyeball the over-evolved moggie on his shoulders.

"What was that in aid of?"

The Cat grinned. "Officer B.B. told me to 'Go fetch!'"

When the human and the feline returned, they were greeted by the full force of a pinball smile.

"I've cracked it!" Kochanski exclaimed.

"Oh, Gee whiz." Lister grumbled. "I'm terribly sorry I don't have any gold stars for you stick into your exercise book."

"What? No, I don't mean that, filth face! I've mean I've literally cracked it." She pointed at a large gash in the pearly walls. "I did that just by hurling Krytens eye at it!"

Lister walked over and poked the crack with his stubby finger. Another huge slab of translucent stone crumbled away in his hands, as easily as a poppadom. He took a bite- it was tasteless.

"Dave, is there something wrong with you?" asked Kochanski, grimacing "Why do feel this obscure urge to eat the unknown?"

"Can it, Kris... I think we can break through!" .

Rimmer watched mortified as Lister then began burrowing like an agoraphobic bunny rabbit deep into the walls of their obviously fragile environment. Did he not realise such vandalism may put his crew mates lives in jeopardy! Rimmer had a good mind to throttle the moronic pipsqueak, then and there, using one of his ridiculous pigtails.

"What do you think your doing, you godforsaken phlegm ball!" he yelled. "You'll start a smegging avalanche!"

"He will? Hey buddy, you'd better watch it! Because that sort of thing can cause serious creases!"

That was when Lister saw grey. There, behind the glittering, in the glow of torchlight, was a very familiar looking ocean, grey corridor. The metallic wall had been partially eroded by some sort of chemical disaster, but he could just about make out where the words "FLOOR 16" had once been written in bold white paint.

He whirled around to Kryten. "Were still on the Dwarf, man! Our Red Dwarf! We're on the same level as the stasis rooms."

A wave of enlightenment began to spread its way across the mechanoids angled features. "Of course! My nanobots! They must have cocooned the ship in some carbon form of glass to shield us from the virus."

For a while, Krytens theory hung in air as the others attempted to wrap their heads around it.

"But how? That virus had been right on top of us." Kochanski remind him. "How would they have suddenly been able to conjure the atoms required to armour plate a ship 6 miles long, within time to save our skins?"

"Well, I can't say for certain ma'am, but what I'm guessing is those pesky critters tampered with the suspended animation booths. They must have adapted the field, so it projected out- thus encapsulating the entire vessel. Presumably they then froze everything in stasis, including the deadly virus, giving them the chance to create these defensives."

"Then how come we weren't frozen in time?" asked a very puzzled Lister.

"Sir I think we have to assume that we were."

"Yer, what!" Gobsmack overload. "Well, what time is it now?" Lister impulsively looked to his wristwatch, only to find a balding, pixelized face staring back at him.

"Holly, what time is it?"

"Practically elevenses, Dave. I spotted a half eaten crunchie bar in your pocket if you're interested."

"No Hol," said Lister rolling his eyes. "How long were we in stasis for?"

"Oh, with you. Err, just give me a sec to do the sums."

The dwarfers shuffled anxiously waiting for Holly's brow to unwrinkle. Rimmer had the feeling that if the dozy computer had fingers, he'd be counting on them now.

"Well, at least it can't be as bad as 3 million years." muttered Lister, snorting a laugh.

"Yeah, that's it." concluded Holly. "3 million exactly. That's how long."

The colour drained away from Rimmers face and Lister became somewhat catatonic. Kryten immediately took it in hand to try and keep the panic levels under moderate control.

"Err....;Sir's and ma'am, despite the huge bombshell that has just been dropped on you, I'd like to employee you all to remain calm. Just breathe deep&ldots;err, Mr Rimmer please try to remain conscious. "

Kochanski was just beginning a very numb mantra, which went "Not another 3 million, not another 3 million, not another 3 million" and so on , when the Cat as cool as ever (or as oblivious as ever) pricked up his ears.

"Hey, you hear that Bud's? Whatever that thing was, he's stopped purring now."

The others gawked at him, momentarily distracted from their shock trauma.

"He probably felt like a snooze."

Rimmer squinted. "Would it be possible for someone to translate that for me from the original gibberish to my native tongue of sane speak."

"Sir, I think in a very abstract way, Mr Cat is trying to tell us that the engines have stopped."

"Yeah, that's right dudes." said Holly. " I stopped them because I thought you might want to check out this planetoid."

"What planetoid?" asked Kochanski.

"The one just below us. Its got an S3 atmosphere. "

"Any life forms?" asked Kryten.

Holly smirked. "Loads."

"ALIENS!" Rimmer squealed, jumping in the air slightly, his eyes bulging with the prospect of a close encounter.

Not far away from him, Dave Lister was having very different ideas. Random thoughts and possibilities, that brought butterflies to his stomach and tears to his eyes. He was recalling an old dream of his. A dream he thought he'd lost in space. Holly's words were riding it home again. Could it be?

He flinched. One of his crewmates had discreetly reached over and squeezed his hand. His heart told him it was Kris.

THE END