Back in the Red

The pink glow of the student's lamp seemed to shine brighter than it usually did. To be fair the lamp could have decided that today it wanted to be green or a lovely lilac colour and he wouldn't have noticed. It could have asked him an array of questions on various subjects and he still wouldn't have looked up from the book.

Rimmer had been studying for 17 hours now without a break and his eyes were beginning to play games on him. He was sure he'd seen 12 acrobatic penguins perform tricks on the end of the desk, but he put it down to tiredness and continued to study. He stared at the book for a long time, the page may as well have been blank because everything he read just opened a backdoor in his head and went on its merry way. He'd screwed up his Astro Navigation Exam more time's than he cared to remember 'If they were just considerate enough to give me a text book in the exam, I could have been a Commander by now' he thought.

Rimmer glanced wearily at his watch, 4:03am and no sign of Lister, infact now he thought about it, he hadn't seen the curry guzzling space bum for 3 days, was that a good thing? Maybe he'd been revising too much, he wasn't sure. He gingerly got up from his seat where his leg's had been in the same position for almost an entire day, they ached, it didn't matter if you were a Hologram entirely constructed of light, there was still tiredness and pains, hadn't they ever thought of making a Hologram that never got tired? 'No, because they're all Bastard's!!' he thought again.

This time he would pass, he wouldn't fail, he darn't fail again. The taunts from Lister would be unbearable, even sticking his head in the disgusting creature's dirty sock basket would be more enjoyable than that smug git taunting him for failing yet again. Why didn't he ever get any breaks, he was a nice guy deep down, he was just unfortunate to end up with a family like he had. Then just when he thought he was going up, up the ziggurat lickety split, Lister had moved into his quarters with him, that was the reason he'd failed the last 11 or so times, he couldn't remember how many now.

His mind slowly wandered into deep thought, he reminisced over past achievements, he remembered the time he'd spoken to Sally Williams when he was 12, it was the only time he'd ever spoken to her after he'd bumped into her and she'd dropped a pint of milk she'd bought from the corner shop. He'd said sorry, and had promised to buy her a new pint, he'd always remember what she said back, 'You clumsy smeghead, look what you've done, you constipated aardvark look-a-like', from then on he deluded himself that she obviously fancied him, even though she flicked a 'V' at him everytime their eye's met for years after.

He climbed slowly onto the bottom bunk, his body said 'Sleep' his head said 'Get up you lazy smegger, do you want to pass this time'. He was far too tired to listen so he flicked a 'V' sign in his mind and slowly began to drop off.....

"Hey, goalpost head, where's monkey features" asked Cat in a tone which suggested he didn't much care. "Wha-wha-what, huh?" grunted Rimmer as he was woke from his temporary dream state. "I said where's monkey face, Captain Dead" asked a slightly annoyed Cat.

"Well, I'm dead, we have a creature who'll clear any dust away within a 6 mile radius and an unknown specie's who is just one giant pile of dirt and grime, some would say that your search is pretty much pointless"

"You're about as much use as a Commodore 64 aren't you, ahhhh sorry, I was aiming a tad too high, a Spectrum is more your level of computer intelligence!!"

Cat wasn't paying much attention to Rimmer's and Holly's squabbling, he was far too busy admiring himself in his pocket mirror. He decided today was a bad day. He'd only taken 14 showers since 2am, changed his suit 27 times and brushed his hair a mere 247 times. There were just never enough hours in the day.

"Just tell us where the smeg Lister is, or is that too hard, maybe I should give you an easier task, like trying to work out how many sides a square has maybe?"

Rimmer seemed quite flustered, he'd specifically told Lister on many occasion's that going into Stasis was strictly forbidden, why wouldn't the sweaty lump ever listen to him, he thought to himself. If he had to live the rest of his death in complete boredom then so would everyone else on board, alive, dead or otherwise, "Holly, release him from Stasis, if I have to live on this rustbucket with smeg all to do, then so will everyone else, it's my duty to carry this through, my duty as a qualified bastard!!!"

Rimmer marched through the corridors on Red Dwarf as if he was leading an army into battle, his nostril's flared with anger, he'd taken about as much as he could take from Lister and him going into Stasis and deliberately defying him yet again was the last straw. He was a deady, a dirty deady, he despised Holograms. He remembered George McIntyre and he'd thought nothing more than turning him off, what right do people have to be brought back after their death, if they were dead they should stay dead. He couldn't touch anything, well, he could touch himself and he could touch himself in all his favourite places, but he couldn't lift or move anything, he was depressed and tired.

He saw the Stasis Pod at the far end of the corridor and from a distance could make out someone inside. His march took him closer and closer with every step, as he closed in the figure soon melted into Lister's features. It was the curry monster all right and he was frozen in time, but he had left one final signal to Rimmer. The Hologram could see Listers hand, it was the back of his hand and every finger was clenched, every finger apart from his index. Rimmer stopped, Lister was giving him the finger!!!

The door to the Stasis Booth swung open with a clang. Lister wore a cheeky grin and an extended middle finger, straight infront of him he could see Rimmer in his Uniform and big Silver H on his head. Rimmer stood motionless, arms folded with a scowl across his face. The curry guzzler stepped out.

"You've broken every reg in the manual concerning Stasis Booths plus disobeying a superior officer, what have you got to say for yourself you little git" said Rimmer trying to sound commanding

"Yeah, I have actually", Lister flicked his finger in Rimmers face, "Yer Smeghead" said Lister and slouched off down the corridor towards the Bunkroom Quarters.

Lister hated his life, it was boring, 3 Million years into deep space with no woman, it was enough to drive a crazy person sane. The Inflatable Doll's Rimmer kept hidden were ok for a while, but he missed the touch of a proper human woman. He thought of Kris, the girl with the Pinball smile. She was gorgous, not even a beautiful sunset came close to how nice she was. Now he had brought him self down to this level, hiding from Rimmer, actually when he thought about it maybe him hiding wasn't all bad, a normal person would have run screaming 10 minutes after meeting the man.

'Hey, I looked everywhere, I looked in my Wardrobe, my clothes locker and my other Wardrobe...' said Cat drifting off into dream land. He could picture his clothes, all without creases all fresh and clean, then panic hit him, had he seen a crease 1cm long on his crushed velvet, 793rd favourite suit? , Nah he couldn't have, he'd ironed that at least 28 times the night before and had taken care to put it back neat and tidy afterwards.

Rimmer walked in looking bewildered, all the revising had got to him, he was tired, then there was the fiasco with Lister, and talking to Holly was more difficult than gettting the fossilised curry stains out of Listers T-Shirts. He stood just inside the room, staring into the distance, he raised his arm, did his own salute that had been rejected time and time again by the Space Corps and crashed silently onto the floor.

Lister and Cat looked at Rimmer lying motionless, then looked at each other, there was only one thing they could think to say, and they said it together