Back in the Red

3 Million years alone had sent Holly senile, his circuits were buggered and his IQ greatly reduced. He, for instance, couldn't remember if the Dispensing Machines needed more Orange Juice in those little cartons and the plastic straw. As he watched the endless stream of stars ahead he wondered what it was like before he'd gone senile, he couldn't remember it was all a blur. 'This is all Rimmer's fault' he thought to himself and to a certain degree he was right. If the goit had repaired the Drive Plates properly, the crew wouldn't have been wiped out, he wouldn't have had to spend 3 Million years alone whilst getting Red Dwarf as far away from Earth as possible and he wouldn't be wasting time thinking about it as he was.

The big red ship roared through the silence of space. Holly was no longer alone, Lister, who had been in Stasis at the time of the accident was now out, providing Holly with some conversation, there was Cat, who evolved from the domestic cat into the lifeform now aboard ship and of course, there was Rimmer. The less thought of about him, the better. Holly preferred the company of Talkie Toaster and it's bread obsessed talk than spend 2 minutes with 'Arnie J', as he liked to call himself. The thing with Holly was, he had little patience for Rimmer, and the thing with Rimmer was, was that he was a complete bastard.

Rimmer sat at the desk with his arms folded, he stared aimlessly at the gunmetal grey walls of the bunkroom. He was waiting for Lister to return from the Cinema, Rimmer was angry and he would let the unwashed, girly haired gimboid know about it when he came back. He was taking the sensible approach, or so he thought. Why chase after Lister to give him a reprimand? Nooo, much better to let the fleabag come to him, a plan that could not fail...... he'd been waiting 14 hours.

'Get out of the water!!!' screamed a voice on the cinema screen. Lister was slouched in a seat, Lager Milkshake in one hand and a huge box of popcorn in the other. Emphasis had to be put on the word 'Huge' when describing this particular Popcorn box, the 'Huge' ones in everyday cinema's can be described as 'Small' whilst small boxes of popcorn are normally minute and can only be seen through a telescope. Lister munched away watching the Prequal to Jaws, the not so scary 'Tiddler' but it was a laugh and there was nothing else to do onboard.

It was late when Lister decided to make his way back to the Bunkroom Quarters. It must have been around 3:00am, this wasn't late for him, it was the equivalent of Lunch time on Lister's clock. The corridors were dimly lit, Holly had decided that if it was the early hours then there was no point of having the power on Maximum, plus he wasn't prepared to pay the huge electricity bill when it arrived.

"Liiiights" slurred Lister in a drunken tone as he entered the bunkroom, the Lager Milkshakes had taken their toll. Rimmer glared at him from the desk, he was still sat there. He glanced at his watch and remarked to Lister that he'd been sat there for the past 17 hours, to which Lister replied with "Whhhaaatttt?". He was pissed, not mildly but totally legless. He pointed at Rimmer, laughed, stumbled backwards and crashed to the ground. He promptly curled up, put his thumb in his mouth and snored for the next 8 hours.

Rimmer lay awake on his bunk, the constant 'drill-like' noise coming from Lister made sure he'd get no sleep. Actually, Rimmer couldn't remember when the last time he'd slept properly. If he wasn't revising he was looking for Lister til all hours. 4 days, 4 endless days since he'd last slept. He was feeling very tired, his eyes couldn't hold out any longer, he was falling fast asleep..... but what was to happen next made sure he definitely wouldn't get any sleep tonight...

Cat just ignored Rimmer, spun on his heels and cooly slinked his way out of the room. Rimmer stood up, put his hands on his hips, looked down at Listers sleeping body and shook his head, he pitied the bum really, no drive, no future. Come to think of it when he thought about himself being dead and 3 million years from anywhere he realised neither did he, but he would keep himself occupied no matter how useless it would be.

Cat had been walking down the corridor one minute and was flung against the wall the next badly creasing his suit. He didn't check himself for injuries, he was more horrified at the huge tear down his suit sleeve, he fainted.

Water trickled out of the Dispensing Machine, splashing Cat's face with icy cold water to wake him from unconciousness. He spluttered, found a spare wrench lying around and smashed it repeatedly into the machine. With a fizz of smoke the machines pleading for Cat to stop died.

Rimmer crashed silently through the desk and onto the floor. Lister must have broken wind again, what else could have so much force to shake a ship this size, he had to have been at the chilli's. Then there was silence. No alarms, no Holly warning, nothing just silence.

'Nothing to worry about!! NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!!!' screamed Rimmer getting angrier by the minute. 'Why didn't you inform us you demented machine!!'

Rimmer went red, even though he had no blood to turn him that colour. Holly was right, Cat had told him but being Arnold J Rimmer there wasn't a situation he couldn't turn round in his favour. Not one situation, apart from this one that is. He beamed at Holly and crawled back into his bunk. Somewhere onboard he could hear Cat yelping, he could make out some faint screams, it was either 'My butt is cute' or 'I've torn my suit' and to be fair with Cat it could have been any of these.

Being a hologram was boring. Rimmer lay listening to the sounds of the ship, he heard Lister scratch himself, probably in some unmentionable place that really didn't bare thinking about, once the unwashed smegger out his hand underneath his clothes his hand could go missing for days, sometimes emerging with something alive on the end!!

Lister broke wind, Red Dwarf shook, the resultant tremor dislodged Rimmer from his bunk and sent him sprawling across the grey floor of the sleeping quarters. It was going to be a long night.