back in the red: BIG SMEGGER - DAY 8 to 14
What happened in the Big Smegger House:

DAY 8: Its Day 8 in the Big Smegger House. Kill Crazy is up first, he decides it would be fun if he mixed Floor Cleaner in with the Vodka. Petersen wakes soon after and downs the Vodka in one, much to the delight of Kill Crazy, he, however, is left despairing as it seems to have no effect on Olaf who just comments on it being the nicest beverage he's ever had.

Kryten cleans the floor after lunch after Lister and Petersen finish their vomiting match. Petersen wins after the Floor Cleaner finally kicks in. Big Smegger announces that Petersen was helped with the aid of the cleaner and is thusly disqualified and Lister is the winner.

Big Smegger announces at 3pm that they have a task which will last 3 days. They are given the task of watching 66 hours of 'Dad's Army' without vomiting blood. Everything seems to be going ok until Kochanski chokes up something red. The housemates are relieved to find its just a Wine Gum that got stuck in her throat.

As the housemates hold back the blood it is Cat's turn to talk about his sexual experiences, the housemates are told about a hole in a wall he once found but the Cat soon runs out of stories as it is revealed he's not the stud he thinks he is. The Cat explains he's saving himself for the small group of women that are just right for him.

DAY 9: The housemates are given their 14th Coffee of the morning as they fight back sleep. The task states that all housemates should be sat in the lounge while the show is being shown, unless its to use the toilet or get something to eat or drink. At no point during the 66 hours are they allowed to sleep.

The Task is nearly failed just after lunch when Listers head starts to droop into his tomato soup. He is saved just in time when Kochanski fetches a cold haddock from the freezer and beats him with it. Soon everyone is queuing up to have a smack.

As the night draws on and the housemates fight back the urge to rip the cameras to pieces due to lack of sleep it is time for the nightly chat. Tonight it is the turn of Kochanski to discuss her sexual past. At first she refuses to take part in such foul discussions but is soon persuaded with the promise of a pineapple and some barbwire. She relives the nights she spent with Lister, the housemates are enthralled as she tells them of a time she looked down his trousers and got the shock of her life when she discovered a new species of Camel.

DAY 10: As the housemates fight back more hours on sleepiness the lounge has been turned upside down and Cat is left to lie on the floor with a nosebleed after Rimmer attacked him with a lampshade. Ace soon restores order as he shines his grin at everyone and the gleam from his perfect teeth temporarily blinds the housemates. As the clock strikes 3 the final episode ends. Nirvannah is called into the Notepad Room.

She exits minutes later with a crateload of Leopard Lager. Petersen fights his way to the front of the queue and grabs an armful of bottles and cans for himself.

At 6 o'clock Big Smegger announces it is time for the first eviction nominations. Ace is the first to be called into the Notepad Room:

ACE: Arlene and Petersen

REASON: 'Arlene because she won't stop touching my leg and Petersen because you can't get a decent word from him'

ARLENE: Petersen and Lister

REASON: 'Because Petersen is uncivilized and Lister because he's a grubby git, reminds me too much o that gimboid Deb'

CAT: Rimmer and Arlene

REASON: 'Man, are those two annoying'

KILL CRAZY: Rimmer and ..er... Arlene, init!

REASON: 'There like this annoyin' double act init, I just wanna crush their skulls in their sleep!'

KOCHANSKI: Petersen and Rimmer

REASON: 'Petersen is always drunk and doesn't contribute anything to the house and Rimmer because he's such an annoying turnip!'

KRYTEN: Ms Kochanski and Petersen

REASON: 'Ms Kochanski because she's such a bossy cow and Petersen, because... well..... he cheated in the vomiting game, I can't stand liars and cheaters'

LISTER: Er..... Rimmer and Arlene

REASON: 'Er... Rimmer because he's such a smeghead and Arlene because...er.... she's a smeghead too'

NIRVANNAH CRANE: Arlene and Petersen

REASON: 'Arlene because shes after my Arnie and Petersen because he's got the IQ of a squashed maggot, and I so hate stupid people'

PETERSEN: Er.... I's schlike to nominate er... Rimmer and... er.... Cat

REASON: 'Rimmer because he is the biggest smegger I have ever met and Cat because he stuck a coathanger up my bum when I vomited on his shoes'

RIMMER: Lister and Kochanski

REASON: 'The sight of them makes me want to puke'

Unknown to the housemates Arlene Rimmer, Petersen and Rimmer are all up for eviction on Friday with 5 nominations each. They will find out tomorrow.

As the night draws on it is Kill Crazy's turn to talk about his sexual past. It is the final night for these stories and the housemates are glad as they need sleep. Kill Crazy talks of a Green haired woman he once did it with in the back of the Ferrari. Rimmer seems the only one interested which pleases Kill Crazy. He is soon downhearted when Rimmer starts asking complicated questions about the cars interior.

DAY 11: The housemates are exhausted and stay in bed all day catching up on their sleep. Big Smegger decides to be kind and doesn't disturb them with the nomination results.

DAY 12: Big Smegger announces that Arlene, Petersen and Rimmer will be up for eviction on Friday night. Rimmer bursts into tears and relays to the housemates about his lost childhood and that no-one has ever cared for him or listened to him in his life. Rimmer is dismayed to look up to find that everyone has left the room.

Lister is proud of himself as he manages to catch a chicken thats got loose in the garden. He is soon not so happy as it decides at this time to excrete its waste down the front of his T-Shirt. Lister decides not to change his T-Shirt as it was just another stain to add to his collection.

For the first time since entering the house the housemates don't have to discuss their sexual past. Tonight the housemates decide they will talk about their secrets. None of them are particularly exciting until Kill Crazy admits his has a tattoo with 'I love my Mummy' on his left buttock

DAY 13: Today the housemates decide to try on Cats outfits for a laugh. Cat is seen sticking his head in the outdoor Jacuzzi and gurgles that he might as well end his life because his suits would be all creased and would take forever to get right again. Rimmer decides not to take part and comments: 'This is a crossdressing parade for you freaks and weirdo's, I won't be a part of this'. Rimmer is the first to try on Cat's Officers Uniform which Cat keeps for special nights with his ladies.

Later on that night an intruder breaks into the Big Smegger plants a punch on Rimmers nose. Rimmer cries as he tells the housemates that it was his mother.

DAY 14: Its eviction day and the 3 nominees are all very nervous. Petersen is dealing with it by the only means possible, he drinks the storeroom dry. Kochanski points out that this is a futile act if he doesn't get eviction. Petersen laughs as he replies 'Itsch never a f-f-futile act vhen eet comes to drink' after which he fainted and was out cold for the next 4 hours.

The night is quickly upon the housemate and soon the voice of Dr Lanstrom (the TV host to you viewers if you've managed to find the right channel).

LANSTROM: 'Arlene, Petersen und Rimmer, you have been put up for eviction from the Big Smegger house. Twinkle, twinkle little eye its time for Arlene to say goodbye, you have an hour to gather your things and leave the house'

Rimmer and Petersen leap into the air and hug each other. Rimmer is soon pelting Petersen with a saucepan as the Dane tries giving Rimmer a drunken kiss.

An hour later Arlene is ready to leave and as the countdown reaches 0 she gives Rimmer a firm kiss on the lips and then grabs his genitals, squeezes them and says: 'See you on the outside bigboy'