back in the red: BIG SMEGGER - DAY 57 to 63
What happened in the Big Smegger House:

DAY 57: It's the final weekend in the Big Smegger house and Rimmer struts around the house confidently after escaping yet another eviction. The girls bedroom is now vacant following the final female eviction. Cat quickly moves his stuff into the room and takes full advantage of the leg wax, perfumes and bath salts left behind by the ladies.

As its the final weekend, Big Smegger decides to throw a themed party in the evening, it will be a Mexican theme and the housemates are each given an outfit. Cat is especially pleased with the tight fitting trousers which he remarks 'will show off my butt beautifully, buds!'

Rimmer, however is less pleased as he is given a dress to wear. The housemates are unaware of its significance as its red and white gingham and doesn't fit in with the theme. Rimmer is unable to control his hand under the table as the housemates tuck into the Mexican dish and he produces a puppet penguin. The others duck for cover as Mr Flibble blasts holes into the walls. Kryten exclaims that Rimmer isn't a hologram and therefor there can be no holovirus on him. Mr Flibble ponders this and realises that Kryten is right and he suddenly keels over and dies.

The housemates crawl into bed just after 1 am, full up after a lovely penguin pie.

DAY 58: Big Smegger decides to have a laugh by setting another task, the housemates have to plaster up the holes left after Mr Flibbles rampage. Kryten yet again points out that if there was no holovirus then surely there could be no Mr Flibble and therefor he could not have created such holes. Big Smegger is miffed as the holes in the wall suddenly disappear and Kryten is left to sit smugly in a big armchair.

Big Smegger is upset because of Krytens over smugness and decides to stop the water in the toilet. Ace is bursting to go after he found a spare Vindaloo of Listers lying around. He rips off Krytens head in a fit of despair and leaves the mechanoid washing his brains for the next 3 and a half hours.

Rimmer is bored and decides to make a crossbow from some twigs he finds in the garden. Ace sees him doing this and decides to make something himself. After many hours Rimmer is very pleased with his fairly rickety bow. His jaw drops as he notices what Ace has made, a lifesize tank with camouflage and working cannon. Ace has some fun and blasts Rimmer in the chest when a ball of sheepslop fires out of the end and plasters him from head to toe against the far wall of the garden.

DAY 59: Today would usually be nomination day but with it being the final week the housemates do not need to do this as the viewers will vote who they want to win this week and not who they want evicted. Kryten decides to make a celebration cake for the rest of the house for them surviving so long. He announces that 'everyone here is a winner for surviving so long, with the exception of Mr Rimmer who is just an annoying twerp'. Rimmer gathers all the phlegm he can muster and gobs into the mixture when Kryten's back is turned.

After a few hours Kryters serves up the cake and announces 'I feel Mr Rimmer should have the first taste!' Arnold cringes and backs away but Ace and Cat grab him and the cake is forced down his throat. Cat asks 'How was the taste of your own spit bud?' Rimmer chortles and says he couldn't taste anything, Cat is puzzled and says 'You what? You couldn't even taste mine?'

Rimmer turns green and pukes into a nearby bucket.

Ace is seen sneaking away from Rimmers suitcase late in the evening, he meets Cat in the doorway and they both whisper to each other and shake hands. Rimmer is unaware as he climbs into bed that his suitcase is half open and a piece of paper hangs from the open lid.

DAY 60: Its the final few days in the house and the housemates are all gearing up for the end of the game. Rimmer polishes his favourite boots for the 400th time before lunch adamant that he is a sure fire bet to win Big Smegger after escaping so many evictions. Cat is thinking along the same lines as he rehearses his winners speech to whoever will listen. The newly repaired Talkie Toaster is the latest to suffer Cats babblings.

Kryten slowly starts to get frustrated as he runs out of things to clean. He decides to blow up the microwave full of Vindaloo so he has something to do. The explosion goes well but the others are less pleased as they are left to pick bits of chicken out of their hair all day and Kryten is left to extract lumps of metal from his face. This is made doubly difficult as the others rip off his arms in a fit of rage.

Later on the housemates decide to play Charades. Rimmer goes first and holds up two fingers. The housemates say 'two syllables', Rimmer shakes his head which leaves the others scratching their heads, this time they plump for '..er... second word?', Rimmer again shakes his head and says 'It means you can all go and shag yourselves if you think I'm playing this crap!!'

He storms off as Kryten does the actions for Jaws.

DAY 61: Ace, Cat and Kryten wake up in high spirits after a great night playing games. Rimmer remarks that 'its very immature. Such games are played by those who cannot think for themselves like children and the British Prime Minister. You wouldn't catch me being so childish' after which he returns to painting his toy soldiers.

Big Smegger calls Rimmer into the Notepad Room after lunch with a very serious tone to its voice. Rimmer is shaken as Big Smegger accuses him of cheating. Rimmer denies it but Big Smegger doesn't believe him and says he's been writing names on bits of paper. The housemates call a meeting where they confront Rimmer.

ACE: Well me old fruitcake this is one hell of a pickle you've got yourself in to

RIMMER: I haven't done anything you incontinent prat!! Now please remove my balls from this testicle clamp!

CAT: Not until you sing like one of those birds at 4am which wakes you up, then keeps you awake until your alarm goes off 4 hours later, bud

RIMMER: Search my bagaroonie gentlemen, there you'll find no paper

Kryten leaves the table and fetches Rimmers suitcase. He opens it and gasps. He produces a copy of Fascist Female Dictators In The Nude Monthly. Rimmer chokes on his coffee and snatches the mag from Krytens grasp. Kryten then pulls out lots of paper, each with names on.

KRYTEN: 'Petersen and Mr Lister' ... 'Ms Kochanski and Mr Ace' ... 'Myself and Mr Cat'

CAT: What you playin' at bud!!? I can understand Novelty Condom head but me? Have you never seen my butt!?

RIMMER: I swear I've never seen them before!!

KRYTEN: It's your handwriting, Sir

RIMMER: Now wait a minute! what about Arse Rimmer here? he's me, he has the same handwriting as me!!

ACE: Hold your horses my old spanner. Those were in your case

RIMMER: You planted them didn't you? ...you ... you.. cheating bastard!!!!!!

Rimmer flies across the table at Ace but he ends up crashing into the wall as Ace tosses him over his shoulder with a simple flick. Big Smegger tells the housemates that Rimmers future in the house will be decided within in the hour.

Rimmer is in tears as he is ordered to leave the house for cheating. He leaves by the back gate and is pelted with rotten fruit by his Mother, Father and Brothers who have been specially resurrected for this moment.

Cat turns to Ace with a smile. Ace returns the smile and says 'I couldn't let Skipper down. A promise is a promise'. Cat laughs and says 'Nice one, bud!'

Ace breaths deeply and sighs '... and anyway, theres only room for one Rimmer and thats me!'. His voice eerily goes back to Rimmers weasily voice. The real Rimmer has shown itself in Ace once again.

(Rimmer was not in first place in the public vote when he was evicted. The leader was ahead by some way and now the final votes have come in Rimmer was some way behind the winner. So his eviction has no bearing on the final result and it doesn't mean the runner up now wins)

DAY 62: Ace wakes up and jumps out of bed as do the others. There is smiles in the air as the tension in the house seems to be lifted from the housemates shoulders. Cat skips into the kitchen and they all have Champagne covered Cornflakes to celebrate Rimmers ejection from the house. Big Smegger announces that a task was scheduled for today but is so happy that Rimmer has finally gone that its not going to bother and let the others enjoy the peace at last.

Rimmer supporters break into the house after lunch to protest the ejection and chant that its Ace's work. A full scale brawl breaks out as Cat announces it was for the best and he is smacked in the mouth by a hairy biker type wearing a 'Rimmer is the best at everything' T-Shirt. Kryten is used as a battering ram as the intruders try to break down the Notepad Room door in an attempt to throttle Big Smegger.

Order is finally restored by late evening when Ace puts one of Listers socks on the end of a long broom and corners the intruders. They all faint because of the stench and whilst they are all out cold they are carried out and locked in a secure cell until the heat has died down after the show.

As the housemates crawl into bed they start talking about the following night. Cat talks for hours about what he'll do when he wins. Kryten intervenes and tells Cat that he hasn't won yet which stuns him 'How can someone so gorgeous fail to win!?'

Kryten blushes and replies 'Now, come on Sir, thats the nicest thing anyones said about me'

'Huh!!?' says Cat

DAY 63: Its the final day of Big Smegger. Cat starts getting ready in his evening suit at 6am and doesn't emerge from the bathroom until well after afternoon tea. Kryten is busy packing his spare heads away whilst Ace gels his hair and tries to make his sparkley jump suit as sparkley as possible. The housemate who has come third will leave the house a few hours before the final eviction. This is still some hours away and the final day seems to drag on endlessly. Even Cat runs out of things to say about himself which stuns Kryten who quickly offers 'What about your quick wit and humour, Sir?' this brings a smile to Cats face and he babbles on for another few hours.

Its soon evening and the usual voice comes over the loud speaker.

DR LANSTROM: 'As you are aware one of you vill be evicted now and the last two in the house will battle it out later tonight. All the votes are in. In third place and next to leave the Big Smegger house will be................ Cat. You have a few short minutes to gather your things and leave'

Cat faints with shock as he hears his name. He soon comes around and grins as he believes it all to be a dream. Reality soon hits him and he faints again. There is only one thing for it. He is stretchered out as he faints everytime he comes around. As the countdown reaches 0 and the door swings open Cat mumbles 'Third!!? ooooooh my goddddddddddddddd!!'

It is down to Ace and Kryten and as Ace sits down to contemplate what might be Kryten whips up a quick meal for him. The noid also does one last clean of the house. It seems just five minutes since Cats eviction when Lanstrom is back again...

DR LANSTROM: Ok, this is it. You have been in the house for the full 9 weeks, the full 63 days. I would say that you are both winners for surviving to the end, but I can't because one of you will lose. The votes are in and the winner of Big Smegger has been decided. The winner of Big Smegger is............................................................................ Ace Rimmer!

Ace Rimmer jumps into the air and Kryten hugs him. Ace is overjoyed and Kryten feels happy for him as he had no desire to want to win the show.

DR LANSTROM: Cat got 8% of the votes, Kryten had 12%, Rimmer had 30% before his eviction and Ace won with 50%. Well done Ace, you are a worthy winner.

Kryten leaves the house first and turns to Ace as he leaves and says 'Well Done, Sir, it couldn't have happened to a better man, you truly are a great guy'

Ace waits until he is called and he emerges out of the house to amazing cheers from the public waiting outside. Fireworks go off and he is kissed and cuddled by woman and some men. He steps onto the stage to collect his prize for victory and is given a special trophy which he lifts above his head to tremendous cheers.

ACE: I'd just like to say what an honour it is to be stood here, the winner of Big Smegger with so many supporters. I did it for you all and I feel Krytie should be stood here with me. And also Listy after his sock saved us from those intruders last night!'

Ace gleams with pride. An amazing victory for an amazing man. What a guy!