back in the red: BIG SMEGGER - DAY 50 to 56
What happened in the Big Smegger House:

DAY 50: Rimmer stands infront of a mirror practising the double Rimmer salute. He smiles smugly after out surviving his Captain. Cat is inconsolable after Hollister revelation as he left that he'd urinated on everybodies clothes. His white jacket with the lilac cuffs is completely ruined.

Theres just two weeks of Big Smegger left and the strains of being locked up appears to be showing. Kryten sits stroking one of Listers deerstalker hats whilst Cat sits stroking himself, the latter doesn't concern the housemates though as this behavior from Cat is completely normal. Rimmer snorts and remarks that having to share a room with Lister makes being locked away seem like a holiday.

Cat cheers up when he decides to spend an evening with Inflatable Ingrid. He wines and dines her and they spend a cosy evening beneath the sheets. Unbeknown to Cat, Rimmer suddenly remembers that he forgot to clean Ingrid since he last used her. Cat soon finds this out and he runs screaming into the shower where he scrubs himself with a brillo pad and carbolic soap.

DAY 51: Cat is still angry with Rimmer after the Ingrid incident and it is made worse after being told by Kryten he is still scrubbing the urine stains from his clothes, without much success. Cat threatens to hang himself after being forced to wear the same outfit two days running. Rimmer feels a rare sense of guilt and offers Cat his best shirt and best pair of trousers, a rare piece of clothing to escape the wrath of Hollisters pee.

Cat is choked up but manages to smile and say 'Cheers bud, we'd run out of toilet roll days ago. These'll come in handy!!'

Big Smegger decides to keep the rapidly getting bored housemates busy by setting them a juggling contest. The housemate who juggles the longest gets to escape nomination this week.

The housemates practise for a few hours until Big Smegger announces it is time. The housemates will all juggle at the same time. Rimmer is distraught as he fails on his first throw and is eliminated. Nirvannah is next to fail after keeping it up for 10 minutes. Cat, Ace and Kryten all keep going alot longer and Ace shows off by tying one hand behind his back, blindfolding himself and sitting down for a meal whilst still juggling. Cat and Kryten are shocked at this and promptly forget to keep juggling and fail.

Ace wins and escapes nomination this week. What a guy!

DAY 52: Ace struts around the house humming as he smiles contently from being nominated this week. He, however will still get to vote. Rimmer goes to the diary room to complain that he had faulty balls. Big Smegger asks him if he went to see a doctor about them. Rimmer gets angry and says somebody tampered with them before the task. Big Smegger tells him that what he let people do to them in his spare time is of no concern. Rimmer starts to go red and storms out of the Notepad Room under hails of laughter from Big Smegger.

The day passes without incident, which is quite a shock considering the house contains Rimmer and how the housemates haven't managed to beat him up at all on Day 52 is beyond comprehension. Rimmer is nervous following his stunt last week and knows for sure that he will face nomination. Cat laughs and tells him that it his own fault for being such a smeghead whilst Kryten puts it better by calling him an 'irritating, small minded buffoon with less personality than a man who's been dead for 14 years'.

Evening comes quickly and Ace is called first to the Notepad Room.

ACE: Rimmer and Nirvannah

REASON: 'After last weeks stunt I feel he should go and Nirvannah? Well, I remember a day when we made love on the Enlightenment and now she won't go near me because she doesn't believe I'm that Rimmer. She was good too!'

CAT: Rimmer and Nirvannah

REASON: 'Rimmer because he's Rimmer and he deserves to go and Nirvannah because it doesn't matter how many passes I make at her she doesn't want to know. Man, how can she resist my butt'

KRYTEN: Rimmer and Ms Crane

REASON: 'Mr Rimmer because he's such an irritating git and Ms Crane because she's such a bossy cow!'

NIRVANNAH CRANE: Ace and Cat

REASON: 'Ace because he believes I'll fall for the 'We made love one time, remember?' trick and Cat because he used my Arnies clothes for something quite disgusting'

RIMMER: Ace and Krytie

REASON: 'Ace because he's a complete bastard and he threatened me and Kryten because he attacked me with an iron last night

This week its Rimmer and Nirvannah up for eviction.

DAY 53: Big Smegger announces just after breakfast that Nirvannah and Rimmer will be up for eviction this week. Arnie laughs heartily as he is sure Nirvannah will not stand a chance, this however upsets her and she asks why he's being so cruel to her, to which Rimmer replies: 'The sex is great, but the ziggurat comes first!!'

Nirvannah snorts and remarks 'I bet the ziggurat doesn't come before you!'. The housemates fall about laughing as Rimmer is oblivious to the insult.

Krytens behaviour starts to worry the rest of the house as it has been getting rapidly worse since Listers surprise eviction. He has cleaned the mirrors so much they've now become see through. The housemates are shocked as they see the face of Big Smegger, something nobody is ever supposed to see. Rimmer remarks that if he had a face like that he wouldn't want to be seen either.

Big Smegger grins and says 'No electricity until tomorrow. Chew on that one Rimmer!!'

Rimmer cannot believe it and is taken by surprise when Cat drops a plant pot on his head as he is upset that he won't be able to use his electric leg hair straightener for 24 hours!

DAY 54: Cat and Rimmer wake up nursing colds due to the lack of electricity. Kryten, Ace and Nirvannah are not affected however due to one being a mechanoid and the other two being holograms. Rimmer is tied to a chair when he attempts to stop the others burning his clothes for warmth, he is told its all his fault for making Big Smegger cry. Big Smegger decides to have some fun and holds a competition involving Rimmer being tied to the chair. The housemates to pelt him right between the eyes with a rotten tomato wins a bottle of red wine. Rimmer screams as the rotten red things go whizzing past his head at tremendous speeds. The others have decided to draw a huge target on his face and Kryten as a few near missed, he only manages to hit him in the mouth. Rimmer gags at the foul tasting tomatoes but his nightmare is soon to end when Ace hits the target and everyone cheers.

They go to untie him when Cat has the excellent idea they should keep him like that and throw other things at him, including toasters, chairs and humorously shaped vegetables.

As the evening draws on and after dozens of Morris Dancing Magazine burnings later Rimmer is finally untied and the electricity is restored. The housemates crack open the wine and enjoy the night as Rimmer sits in a huff in the corner.

Ace decides to attempt a world record by constructing a lifesize model of Big Ben in the garden. Big Smegger decides to make this a challenge and orders a truckload of matchsticks for the task to take place. The housemates have until tomorrow to construct it. If they are successful they will all win a Vindaloo and a novelty keyring of a rabbit humping an Ox.

DAY 55: Ace is the first up and is raring to get the task started. He has already built up to 8 feet of Big Ben when the others crawl from their slumber. Big Smegger has provided very long and unstable ladders for the housemates to use. All seems to be going well until Cat sneezes and and unbalances Ace from his perch and he falls off. He scales the ladder again shaking his head and asks for no interruptions. Ace is a mere blip as the construction continues and the housemates do their best to harness up more matchsticks.

Its just after 8pm when Ace leaps into the air at the top of the ladder with delight, he however forgets his at such a height and plummets to the ground squashing one of the Hens. Ace wipes the dirt from his clothes and the hens head from his bum and beams proudly at his fine work. Big Smegger is even impressed as it has a working clockface and chimes. Everyone wins their prize and go off to eat their Vindaloo's, except for Rimmer who is fascinated by the rabbit humping an Ox keyring.

DAY 56: Eviction day and Nirvannah spends her whole day deciding which outfit to wear when she leaves the house. She sits alone in her room and sheds a tear, shes still upset over Rimmer rejecting her for the sake of winning a crappy reality show watched by 4 people.

She is surprised however when Rimmer turns up in her room holding a bouquet of flowers. She hugs him and kisses him tenderly on the lips. She asks him where he got them and Rimmer replies 'I asked Big Smegger for them, I thought they'd be of some comfort... you know, for when you get kicked out later'

Nirvannahs jaw drops in disbelief and her knee rises sharply to meet with Rimmers groin. He is sprawled across the floor in agony as Nirvannah throws the flowers at him and says 'Shove them up your arse!'

Ace is distraught when a stray spark sets the matchstick Big Ben on fire. Rimmer is seen sneaking away sniggering and remarking 'You'll never be short of warmth now you goits!'

Its soon the evening and the familiar voice sounds from the speakers:

DR LANSTROM: 'Hello housemates, this week Rimmer and Nirvannah have been put up for eviction. The public vote has been running all week and we now have a result. This week was very close and the loser only lost by 1 vote. The next person to be evicted from the Big Smegger house will be ....... Nirvannah Crane! You have one hour to collect your stuff and leave'

Rimmer leaps into the air whilst Nirvannah drops to her knees with despair. The housemates console the distraught Nirvannah as Rimmer does a Morris Dance around the room. It is soon an hour later and Nirvannah is stood at the door and as the countdown reaches 0 the door swings open and Ms Crane steps out into the cold night air. She turns to the house and says: 'Rimmer, you heartless bastard!' and she disappears into the night as her lightbee is switched off.