back in the red: BIG SMEGGER - DAY 36 to 42
What happened in the Big Smegger House:

DAY 36: The housemates wake up with a hangover after trying to drown out the thought of still having Rimmer in the house. Kryten is the only one who seems spritely as he whistles loudly at the joy of Kochanski's exit. Kryten is upset when Ace starts tidying up the lounge area and he is hit with a broom by Kryten who doesn't want anyone to do any cleaning bar himself. The day gets worse for the noid when Nirvannah and Hollister clean up the mess in the garden from the drunken rampage the night before. In a rage Kryten's head explodes littering the house with debris. Lister rolls around in agony after getting a huge chunk of metal stuck in his forehead.

Rimmer shots angrily from the garden where he was left overnight tied to a steak wearing just a small fig leaf for cover. Hollister laughs at Rimmer as the jam which was liberally smeared on the Technicians body soon attracts the bee's. Rimmer is untied after lunch nursing a severely stung body. He is soon cheered up though with the news of Listers head and he suddenly forgets his own pain by laughing hysterically at Listers.

Kryten is finally repaired by the evening in time to make supper. He mutters angrily into everyones soup and Cat is spared at the final moment from swallowing a razor blade, mysteriously placed into his soup. The housemates check theres and also find nasty surprises. Kryten pleads his innocence, Rimmer hits him across the head after nearly swallowing the most lethal of the objects placed in the soup... Listers sock

DAY 37: Big Smegger sets another task for the housemates, they have to do an assault course in under 8 minutes. If the housemates make any mistakes on the challenges there will be a 15 second penalty. The housemates have a couple of days to practice and will have to do the course on Day 39. Rimmer is the first to try out. First challenge is to run through car tyres, he ends up with them up to his knees around each leg. Next challenge is to crawl under a net. Rimmer seems to be going well but halfway under he falls asleep and is found sucking his thumb. After being woken its the overhead ladder. His hands manage to slip off every run so he decides to skip it. The next task is to run up and over a see-saw. He falls off 32 times before deciding he'll forget it.

The housemates total up all his mistakes and find out the rest of them will have just 1 minute to complete the course. Rimmer is told to go drown himself for getting the practice off to a bad start. He refuses but Lister decides to give him a helping hand by dunking his head into the Jacuzzi.

Following the housemates practice they manage to complete it in a total of 2 and a half hours (Hollister had to stop midway for a late lunch). Ace however completes the course in a record time: 2.4 seconds, he explains 'All part of training in the Space Corps special service' which Rimmer responds to by saying 'Stuck-up pompous git!!'. The housemates will have to train hard over the next 48 hours if they're to pass the test.

DAY 38: Its nomination day and Cat springs out of bed confident of staying in the house. He admires his butt in the mirror whilst muttering 'Boy, you've got cuter and cuter everyday since we entered the house, you're a sure fire hit, bud. Who'd want you out? You're so gorgeous you make even me wet!'

Hollister protests furiously as the housemates continue practicing that Ace has decided to take over training and has banned Hollisters late lunch this time. The Captain complains halfway round the course that he's wasting away due to the lack of food. With Ace at the helm the housemates performances greatly improve and they all complete it in a total time of 3 minutes 7 seconds. This, however, is before Rimmers run, the final of the practice. He again manages to bumble his way through and somehow manages to get a hen stuck down his socks. He wheezes and pants across the line with a personal best of 17 minutes 16 seconds.

Aces sighs and shakes his head as a red faced Rimmer grins at his personal best and exclaims 'What a time! If I didn't stop to blow my nose I could have done it in under 15!'

The housemates believe they can pass the test if only Rimmer can improve. They spend the night devising the best way to make him improve. After 6 hours they give up and decide to go to bed. Big Smegger however reminds them they still have to nominate for this weeks eviction. Its Ace first into the diary room as usual....

ACE: Rimmer and Hollister

REASON: 'Rimmer because he's a weasel and he can't even complete a basic course and Hollister because even though I respect him as a Captain his lunch really cost us yesterday'

CAT: Rimmer and Lister

REASON: 'Rimmer because watching him on that course is like watching a 3 legged dog on a running machine and Lister because I was unfortunate to catch a glimpse of the insides of his long johns!!'

HOLLISTER: Rimmer and Ace

REASON: 'Rimmer because he's a disgrace to the Space Corps and Ace because he won't allow me a pit stop halfway round the course'

KRYTEN: Ms Crane and Rimmer

REASON: 'Ms Crane because she's sick enough to like Mr Rimmer and Rimmer because he's just sick!!'

LISTER: Rimmer and Cat

REASON: 'Rimmer because he's Rimmer and Rimmer doesn't deserve to win anything and Cat because of a quite rude and uncalled for remark about the interior design of me underpants'

NIRVANNAH CRANE: Ace and Lister

REASON: 'Ace because he fails to have Arnies good looks and Lister because he called my Arniepoos a 'stuck up git' '

RIMMER: Ace and Lister

REASON: 'I'm sure they're sleeping with each other'

With 5 votes Rimmer is up for eviction again, with 3 votes each Ace is up for eviction for the first time and Lister is up again

DAY 39: Its the day of the assault course and the housemates wake up with butterflies in their stomachs, all thanks to Kryten's 'Butterfly Surprise' he whipped up for supper the previous night. The housemates are confident of succeeding until Rimmer bumbles out of bed and they all remember that he has to do it to. Ace gathers the house into a pep talk before the task but it is disrupted by Rimmer who stomps off and complains that Ace is just showing off about how good he is.

Big Smegger announces some time later that it is time for the task. Lister goes first, he trips on the tyres but he is enticed with a Vindaloo tied to a piece of string at the end of the course and completes the rest with no mistakes. Kryten's next and he too completes the course, only getting his leg caught in the netting, but doesn't lose the team much time. Nirvannah and Cat finish the course with ease but then disaster strikes. As Hollister swings across the overhead bars his immense weight snaps one of the runs and he is left dangling in mid air. His legs swish madly as he tries not to touch the floor. He recovers his composure and completes the rest of the course. Ace completes the course in a personal best time of 2.2 seconds.

The housemates soon hold their breath as its Rimmer next. He trips on the tyre's and ends up with one around his head. The housemates egg him on, but this only hinders the gimp as he dodges the egg's, not the egging on he was expecting. He crawls under the netting but is soon in trouble when the netting gets trapped in his trousers. With the excess weight the housemates cover their eyes as Rimmer scrambles across the bars. Just like Hollister he manages to snap one of the runs which sticks into the top of Rimmers head. He screams like a girl but is determined to keep going. Just the see-saw left but time running out. He wobbles across it and jumps with force upon the finishing mark on the end of the final obstacle. He raises his arms in triumph unaware that the see-saw has flown into the air under the pressure of Rimmers jump. The housemates cower and cover their eyes as Arnie looks into the sky and see's it hurtling to towards him at immense speed. He smiles weakly and then see's no more for the rest of the day.

DAY 40: To celebrate passing the task Big Smegger has decided that today the housemates can have another party. Alcohol is abundant but Rimmer is left despairing when there's no White Wine on the drink's menu. Cat begins getting ready for the party at 8:00am and is unveiled to the waiting housemates a little time after 9pm. His grand entrance is spoilt as it turns out the housemates have fallen asleep waiting.

Kryten pop's the corks off the champagne bottles, its third time lucky for Kryten as the third cork smacks Rimmer between the eyes and sends him sprawling head first into a plant pot.

A fight breaks out as the alcohol starts to cloud the housemates minds, it started when Nirvannah suggested Lister should try some health food. Lister hits back saying that she should get a life but then point out she can't because shes dead. Nirvannah retreats to the girls room where she weeps. Lister shakes his head as he is sure she is faking it. The story of Listers sex life as Rimmer points out. Nirvannah is comforted by Hollister who gets slapped after his hand 'accidently' slipped down the back of Nirvannah's pants. She screams 'I hope the bastard gets evicted, the girly haired, grubby gimp, he smell's like a yak's just taken a dump in your mouth!!!!'

Lister chuckles as he says slyly to Cat 'I'm not bothered, man. I'm just waitin' for her to start on me bad points!'

The night ends violently as Lister goes to bed with a frying pan inserted in his mouth and Nirvannah smiling broadly

DAY 41: Ace wakes Lister up at 2pm, 4 hours after everyone else. He has a quiet word with him and pleads him to make it up with Nirvannah as she is still upset about the night before. Lister goes into the garden and gives Nirvannah a hug and a kiss and says sorry. Rimmer pipes up and suggests that Lister is still slightly drunk as he'd just made up with a tree. He finally finds Ms Crane and makes up. In doing so he gives Cat a sly wink, suggesting he is not being wholey truthful.

In the space of the rest of the day Lister winks a further 752 times, much to the annoyance of the housemates. Lister has no idea where he got this affliction from and puts it down to some totally unrealistic show called Big Brother 2 he once saw whilst looking at a load of old videos in storage and came across a guy called Stuart who had this most annoying of habits (maybe only viewers in the UK may get what Lister is on about).

Hollister manages to eat a prawn sandwich and because of this Big Smegger gives him a prize. The Captain is surprised to be rewarded for just eating a sandwich but Big Smegger says that it is because it was prawn and no-on in their right minds would touch them without a bit of Tabasco sauce liberally poured across them. He is given a treadmill and is most annoyed at the suggestion he is a 'little' overweight. The housemates try to suppress their laughter at his suggestion of being just a 'little' overweight.

The Captain spends the night fighting the flab but soon gives up after about 3 minutes when he collapses with exhaustion. Rimmer fairs even worse when he is left gasping after just 2 minutes. Its a tangle of wires and metal when Hollister takes an axe to the machine after he takes it up to Speed 5: For Factor just to see what its like and he is left splattered across the wall, his body ever to be imprinted on the plasterwork.

DAY 42: The housemates wake up on day 42 in high spirits as they all agree that today, at last, will be Rimmers final day. Even Ace is confident that his weasily counterpart will go. Lister, however, reminds him that even though he's Ace he's still the same hologram Rimmer. Ace's face contorts into a weasily shape and he tells Lister to 'Smeg Off'. Lister says sorry to Ace and agrees that he's alot better since becoming Ace. As they engage in a manly embrace Lister winks at Cat who picks up the nearest toaster and plants it up Listers nose. Talkie Toaster is so horrified that he's seen up Listers nose he explodes and is later placed back in his Crapola Inc box with his money back guarantee slip and posted back to the manufacturers.

As the evening draws on the familiar voice is heard:

DR LANSTROM: 'Arnold Rimmer, Ace Rimmer and David Lister, you have been nominated to leave the Big Smegger House. The public has been voting all week and now the results are in. Before I announce them I would like to say that the rumours about me being replaced by someone younger for Big Smegger 2 are false and anyone spreading these rumours shall be fried alive. Anyway. The next person to leave the Big Smegger House will be........ Lister!?? My god, you people are insane. Lister, you have one hour to gather your things and leave the house'

Rimmer leaps into the air as the housemates look on in abject horror. Lister cannot believe the public vote has gone against him. He puts it down to his winking obsession.

An hour later Lister stands a broken man at the door and as the countdown reaches 0 and the door swings open he turns, salutes the housemates and says 'Why me?' and he slouches away, head down, looking a mere shell of a man, dejected after being so sure he could win it.