back in the red: BIG SMEGGER - DAY 29 to 35
What happened in the Big Smegger House:

DAY 29: Rimmer wakes up in high spirits after surviving Eviction for a third week in succession. The rest of the housemates stay in bed until after lunch to cry about Rimmer still being in.

Kryten decides to make lunch but forgets to tell Cat that his drink is Nitrogen Oxide until Cats is frozen shut. Lister offers to unfreeze him with a dose of his curry but Kryten fears that it may have a chemical reaction and blow Cats head to smithereens. Rimmer announces that its an excellent plan and that they should try it straight away.

Nirvannah is found kissing Ace later on and this sends Rimmer into a hysterical fit. Nirvannah calms him down and said she only had her tongue down his throat to check the ulcer he had at the back of his mouth.

Hollister puts Lister on report after he secretly put on of his socks in the Captains bed, thus melting the bed beyond all recognition.

DAY 30: Ace makes the ladies swoon as he accidentally drops his towel on exiting the shower. The webcam explodes as the traffic to the site quadruples and brings the viewers to an all time high of 4. Kochanski attacks Kryten with a rolling pin after he sneaks a dead rat's head into the lunchtime casserole. Kryten exacts revenge for the savage beating when he steals all of Kochanski's bra's and uses them to ladle the afternoon soup. Kochanski blows her top and decides to secure the rolling pin in a safe place. This brings tears to Kryten's eyes and he is unable to sit down for the rest of the day.

Lister sits alone in the garden sucking a beer. He's missing his drinking buddy Petersen. He decides to try and forget about his departure by downing a crate of Leopard Lager. This works a treat and its well after midnight when he is able to string a full sentence together without pointing at Rimmer and saying 'I-I flove you Rimmeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr, I r-really do'

Rimmer sneers in disgust and smacks Lister across the head with a chicken which ejects an egg on impact with Listers head and splats into Rimmers face. He wipes away the gunk and sighs 'Sometimes you know its just not your day' he remarks.

DAY 31: The housemates wake up to a bright sunny day. Hollister decides to take a stroll into the garden but is hit on the head with a rock hurled from outside the house. There is a note attached and the housemates gather round to read it. Big Smegger intervenes and tells the housemates to go to the girls bedroom whilst the object is removed.

Hollister informs the housemates later that it said something about Rimmer being evicted this week and that when he leaves he'll be hung from the town hall clock by his testicles. Rimmer laughs and decides it was probably one his Bridge Club chums having a laugh.

The night soon draws on and its time to vote for who the housemates want to be evicted. As ever its Ace to go first.

ACE: Rimmer and Nirvannah

REASON: 'Rimmer because he stole my hair gel just to spite me and Nirvannah because even though shes a great ulcer checker I wouldn't want to see Arn upset, even though I hate him like mad!'

CAT: Rimmer and Kochanski

REASON: 'Rimmer because his face just annoys me, its all squinty and annoying and Officer BB because, although she has a great behind I can't bare the competition'

HOLLISTER: Rimmer and Lister

REASON: 'Their constant fighting is annoying, it surprises me how they've lasted this long without throttling each other'

KOCHANSKI: Rimmer and Lister

REASON: 'Rimmer because he reported me to the Captain for having leg hair longer than regulation length and Lister because he hasn't washed since entering the house!!'

KRYTEN: Ms Kochanski and Rimmer

REASON: 'Ms Kochanski because of the rolling pin incident and Mr Rimmer because of his inane pickyness over one small stain on his lapel and moaning on about how he wanted to show a good example to other Space Corp representatives in the house'

LISTER: Rimmer and Cat

REASON: 'Rimmer because he keeps reporting me and Cat because he used my toothbrush to clean his shoes then went on about it being 12 years since I'd taken it out of its packet and not used it. Thats my business!!!'

NIRVANNAH CRANE: Kochanski and Lister

REASON: 'Kochanski because she's hell to room with, always leaving beauty products about and stuff and Lister because he hates my Arnie'

RIMMER: Kochanski and Lister

REASON: 'One minute it looks like they're getting it on, the next it seems like they're not. God, they annoy me '

With 4 votes each this week Rimmer, Kochanski and Lister are all up for eviction

DAY 32: Big Smegger wakes the housemates at 2 in the afternoon to announce who will be up for eviction. Rimmer cries into his Wheatyflakes as its announced that he is up for eviction again. Kryten does a little dance as Kochanski's name is read out, much to the dismay of Lister, he however is even more distressed when his name is read out too!

Big Smegger decides to be nasty and sets a nice difficult task. The housemates have to look at photo's of each housemates bottom sticking out of the curtain. Everything seems to be going fine until a picture of someones hairy behind come up. The housemates are divided to whether it is Cat or Kochanski's. The housemates claim victory as they take a wild stab at Kochanski and prove to be right. Kris bursts into tears and locks herself in her room for the rest of the day. For passing the task the housemates are each given a choice to pick a luxury item they didn't bring into the house,

Kryten decides to choose a V8X SuperVac with triple head suction with built in TV, Rimmer picks a pair of sandal's, the first of his new found hobby, Lister picks 500 curries, Cat chooses a multi purpose nose and leg hair trimmer with built in mirror, Nirvannah chooses a book on extremely hard physics, to pass the time, Kochanski picks a box of chocolates, through her tears, Ace picks a new comb after his last one melted under his charisma and Hollister picks some women's underwear exclaiming that he likes the smooth lacy feel of them on his thighs.

DAY 33: Rimmer is put on report by Lister after an incident involving a chicken and some lubricant. Rimmer protests that he was merely showing Lister it was possible to get a chicken up someones bum right up to its neck. Lister disagree's and tell's the Captain that it was because he'd used Rimmers Morris Dancing handkerchiefs for a temporary snot rag.

Kryten is given a candlelit meal in the evening with the electric egg whisk. The housemates laugh but Kryten explains that he's stayed up late many a night with it in his hands, giving it a good beating. Lister tells Kryten he's had many a late night like that, but never with an egg whisk. The night goes well and Kryten sets up another date when he gets out of the house. That, however, is not possible as Lister grabs it for an emergency 'one of those places unreachable by hand' itches, and when he pulls it back out from his clothes the whisk has melted and is covered in rust.

DAY 34: Another fire breaks out in the Big Smegger house, the housemates throw a wet towel over Cats head as the friction from his combing finally ignites and sets about burning his scalp. Luckily his amazingly thick brain has given him amazingly thick hair and he merely comments that even his flesh burning gives off a delightful odour.

Hollister has a fist fight with Nirvannah but is laid out cold after he accuses her of stealing his pile cream. None of the housemates will own up to stealing it but Hollister is called into the Notepad Room later where he finds the tube on the chair. He can faintly hear a voice behind the mirror saying 'I can sit down with a thump at last!!'

Hollisters day gets worse when the housemates complain about his sweating. Rimmer remarks that it is because he's so fat but the Captain defends himself by claiming it to be a medical condition, Kryten collects the Captains sweat in a jar and puts pickles inside. He looks at the disgusted looks on the housemates face's and exclaims that it is the best substance to bring them that lovely flavour the housemates have been loving on their mid-morning sandwiches. Everyone reaches for the nearest plant pot and vomits into them.

DAY 35: Eviction day. Rimmer has long since lost his nerves of being evicted, on the other hand Kochanski and Lister are the most nervous as it seems Rimmer will never be evicted. The others are all seething over Rimmer winning the Weakest Gimp and don't believe a loser like him should win everything. Rimmer puts down his success to his adoring fans and the fact that on his day he can be a real jammy bastard!

As the night draws near Ace comes to the rescue when Rimmer is nearly killed by a flying chainsaw. Lister complains that it just fell into his hands and switched itself on and had nothing to do with it being the only way Rimmer was going to leave the house before the final week.

As the night goes on a familiar voice is heard from the loudspeaker.

DR LANSTROM: 'Arnold Rimmer, Kristine Kochanski and David Lister, you have been nominated to leave the Big Smegger. After a public vote this week, your fate has been decided and there has been a huge difference between the one who's been evicted and the other two. Whoever is evicted will have 1 hour to pack their things. The fourth housemate to leave the Big Smegger House will be.............. Kochanski!'

The housemates drop to their knees with despair, except for Nirvannah who leaps into the air with Rimmer who then does a little dance.

An hour later Kochanski stands at the door. As the countdown reaches 0 the door swings open and Kochanski step's into the night air. She turns around, slaps Nirvannah and calls her a bitch. She then runs away, laughing into the night.