back in the red: BIG SMEGGER - DAY 22 to 28
What happened in the Big Smegger House:

DAY 22: The housemates wake up to their first morning without Kill Crazy. Big Smegger wakes them up at the crack of dawn for a morning run around the garden. Rimmer faints before he reaches the garden through exhaustion. Ace Rimmer completes the run first and decides to do another lap as the rest of the housemates wheeze and pant across the finishing line. To the housemates despair Big Smegger tells them they have to do another 12 laps of the garden.

As the housemates recover and Ace does his 24th lap Big Smegger announces that they will be given a task but first must lock themselves in the girls bedroom. The housemates do so and are let out an hour later to be confronted with the Dispensing Machine. The task for the housemates is to try and get a choccynut bar from the machine without it noticing. The housemates sabotage the machine by unplugging it then opening the back and taking out the chocolate. Big Smegger cries like a baby as the housemates have broken no rules and Big Smegger was so sure they would fail.

Kryten decides that the machine should be given a chance of life and plugs the machine back in. On doing so the machine notices Rimmer for the first time and rages war on him for being his nemesis. Rimmer is pelted with drinks cans and chocolate bars. The housemates stand around laughing as Rimmer is submerged in a vat of chocolaty coke mess.

DAY 23: The day starts in a tangle of wires and smoke, Rimmer dodges more cans as he attacks the dispensing machine with a fire axe. Rimmer dives dramatically behind furniture like a brave soldier getting out of the way of speeding bullets. The dispensing machine claims victory as a stray can ricochets off Krytens head and smacks Rimmer in the face, rendering him unconscious.

Petersen is called to the Notepad Room after lunch and is threatened with expulsion from the house after trying to drown Ace. Petersen argues that he was provoked after Ace tried to slip so babycham into his morning pick-me-up.

The housemates had a curry binge the previous night and the housemates are still suffering by 3pm. Things get so bad one of Kryten's spare heads is used as an emergency toilet after the normal one melts under the strain of Listers excrement.

Kochanski tries to get the housemates to join her for a 'Crochet Night'. The housemates lock themselves in the Den whilst Kris is on the toilet/spare head and she is dismayed that no-one wants to join in. Rimmer skips into the room and exclaims that he will join in but only if she divulges in a spot of Morris Dancing afterwards.......

........Kochanski hammers on the Den door, pleading to be let in.

DAY 24: The housemates wake up on Day 24 in high spirits after spending the night in the Den and well away from Rimmer. Nirvannah tells an upset Rimmer that she wanted to join in the Morris Dancing but the others had her bound and gagged. Lister is nearly killed after lunch after he sticks a fork in a plug socket. He is blown across the house and squashes his face against the far wall. He later exclaims that he just wanted to do something that was less painful than listening to Rimmer's RISK story.

After dinner Big Smegger calls the housemates into the Notepad Room to vote for who they want evicted. As ever, Ace is first:

ACE: Rimmer and Petersen

REASON: 'Rimmer because he makes me look like a git and Petersen because he tried to drown me'

CAT: Rimmer and Petersen

REASON: 'Rimmer because he's Rimmer and Petersen because he fell asleep on my 493rd favourite suit and left a minute stain on it'

HOLLISTER: Rimmer and Cat

REASON: 'Rimmer because he tried to bribe me to let him become a First Technician and Cat because I wish I had 6 nipples'

KOCHANSKI: Rimmer and Cat

REASON: 'Rimmer because of the Morris Dane/Crochet ultimatum and Cat because he tried to steal my cuban heels'

KRYTEN: Ms Kochanski and Nirvannah Crane

REASON: 'Ms Kochanski because it was her idea to use one of my spare heads as an emergency toilet, oh the sight! I don't think anything could erase the memory of seeing Mr Listers buttocks!! and Nirvannah because she, like Ms Kochanski, is a bossy cow!!'

LISTER: Rimmer and Cat

REASON: 'Rimmer because he poisoned my curry the other night and Cat because he got in the way when I was aiming my vomit at the sink'

NIRVANNAH CRANE: Petersen and Cat

REASON: 'Petersen because he's a drunken lout who tried to feel my bum and Cat because he did feel my bum'

PETERSEN: Lister and Kryten

REASON: 'Lister because he stole my curry sauce *hic* and Kryten because he has a big groin *hic*'

RIMMER: Petersen and Lister

REASON: 'Petersen because he punched me just for remarking that he had the personal habits of a flatulent Yak and Lister.. ditto!'

DAY 25: Hollister wakes up first and decides to feed the chickens, unbeknown to him a radiation leak from outside the house has mutated the chickens overnight. Hollister escapes death when Ace comes to the rescue, but Rimmer complains that he could have at least let the monster digest the Captain.

Lister makes a paper hat with the left over curry cartons. The housemates all agree that it looks splendid and decide to make one themselves. The housemates all dance around in their underwear and eat health food.

The housemates decide they've been locked up far too long and that they all went temporarily insane. Rimmer sits in the corner in a mood as he complains that he was the only one who hadn't lost it temporarily.

DAY 26: Kochanski complains to Big Smegger that someone has stolen all her make-up. Big Smegger asks the housemates to make a thorough search of the house to find Kris's missing beauty pack. The housemates look high and low and eventually stumble upon the culprit. Hollister sits hunched in the Den wearing 'Pretty Pink' lipstick and mumbling about how he'll be safe from the Mooing Ants of the Mysterious Lands of Trog.

He is sent to see a psychologist in the Notepad Room but it turns out that there is nothing mentally wrong with the Captain and that it is a common hobby of his. The housemates spend the rest of the night avoiding him and try to erase the memory of him getting into bed wearing a girdle.

DAY 27: It is the penultimate day in the house for either Rimmer, Petersen or The Cat. Rimmer decides to spend the day cataloguing his leaf collection that he started the day he entered the house. Rimmer is dismayed to find that he no longer has a leaf collection after Lister informs him: 'it was an emergency, we were out of bog roll!'. Lister sees the expression on Rimmers face and says 'Don't worry, I didn't throw them away, look in your bedside cabinet'

Cat meanwhile decides to have his 14th shower of the morning while he decides whether to wear the pink or blue jacket with his black PVC suit. He makes a grand entrance at 8pm after finally deciding to go with the Pink.

Petersen spends a rare day sober, one of the first since entering the house. Petersen decides to give up on the idea after 10 minutes after deciding there is no other drink in the house apart from lager.

Big Smegger surprises the housemates at 11pm by telling them they are being given a task. They have to insert pins up their fingernails and the one with the most wins a party on Day 28, with a theme of their choice. Kryten is the clear winner as he is unable to feel pain, much to the annoyance of the housemates. Petersen comes a close second as he is too drunk to feel pain either, but only loses when he vomits all over his pins and loses them in the vast pukey mess.

DAY 28: The housemates are in a good mood when they wake up on Day 28, with the prospect of a party in the Evening. The day doesn't get off to its best after Lister accidentally tries to kill Rimmer with a knife. He protests his innocence and that it was by pure accident that he managed to pick up a knife and then repeatedly try and thrust it down Rimmers still sleeping form.

Kryten decides it should be an 'Electronical appliance theme for the party. All the housemates have to find as many electrical things they can in the house and stick them to their clothes. Cat is the most annoyed after choosing the cooker for his electrical choice. Kochanski is the only one who cannot find something, but Lister seemingly comes to the rescue when he points out about the vibrating appliance he caught her with 3 nights previous. She tears Talkie Toaster from Hollisters clothing and smashes it onto Listers head, thus rendering him unconscious.

As the night draws on the housemates hear a familiar voice through the loud speakers:

LANSTROM: 'Arnold Rimmer, Olaf Petersen and Cat, you have been nominated by your housemates for eviction from the Big Smegger House. Whoever is evicted will have 1 hour to gather their things and leave the house. The third person to leave the Big Smegger House will be............. hmmmm, here's a surprise.... I suppose the others will never be voted out *tuts* favouritism, eh? He was my favourite too... ah well,.......... Petersen!!'

Rimmer leaps into the air in utter surprise at escaping eviction for the third week running. The rest of the housemates curse the viewers and already start to plot his eviction next week.

An hour later it is time for Petersen to leave the Big Smegger House. As the countdown reaches 0 and the door swings open Petersen turns round, gives Lister a hug, punches Rimmer in the face and says 'Sheeeeee you alls soon, except yous Scrimmer cos you are a bashtard!'