back in the red: BIG SMEGGER - DAY 1 to 7
What happened in the Big Smegger House:

DAY 1: The contestants enter the Big Smegger House and quickly choose which Bedroom will be the girls and which will be the boys. Rimmer is beaten with a stick by Kochanski when he tries to sneak into the girls room. The first meal of the day is made by Kryten, its Kippers Vindaloo. This doesn't go down well at all with the housemates who immediately fight over who gets to use the toilet first. Lister is a lone figure at the table as he calls for secondses and thirdses.

As the evening drew on it was Rimmers turn to use a big beating stick as Arlene Rimmer tried to insert her tongue down his throat. Petersen was locked outside after he drank the housemates supply of Wine and Lager.

As it neared 11:00pm a fight broke out between Arlene and Nirvannah Crane over who fancied Rimmer more, it turned into an all-out brawl when someone creased Cats suit. Order was restored after Kill Crazy produced a semi-automatic chicken which was ready to fire egg's.

Big Smegger spoke to the housemates for the first time at 11:30 giving them a discussion topic. One member had to talk about their past sexual partners, this would run for the first 10 days. Tonight Big Smegger chose Rimmer to discuss his. The housemates crawled into bed at 11:32.

DAY 2: At 8:30am Ace Rimmer is the first housemate to be called into the Notepad Room. Big Smegger asks him to talk about why his hair looks so good this early in the morning and why he's a great such a great guy. Ace emerges from the room at lunchtime.

Big Smegger gives the housemates their first task since entering the house. Its a drinking contest and the housemate to down the most drink would receive a gift. The contest was still running by 10pm and was halted by Big Smegger after Lister and Petersen were still going strong. They are both called into the Notepad Room, they are given the option of either a truckload of Lager or a party for all the housemates............. Lister and Petersen finish the lager after midnight.

Tonight it is Krytens turn to discuss his sexual past. The housemates find this a good sleeping pill as Kryten reminisces about a Trouser press he once took on a date.

DAY 3: Kill Crazy is the first housemate to see the Big Smegger doctor after Kochanski attacks him with a Toaster, unfortunately Big Smegger has allowed Talkie Toaster in and it sends Kill Crazy into a coma with its bread obsessed prattling. Today is the first time it has rained since the housemates have entered the house. Cat comments that 'This is the first chance you have for a shower, bud' to Lister, but the feline is soon unconscious as Lister inserts a frying pan into Cats face.

Around 7pm Petersen is found in the Den snoring on a hill of empty Lager bottles. The crew kick themselves after not checking the Den earlier which was concealing an extra stash of Lager. Waking from his drunken stupor an hour later Petersen manages to vomit into the Chicken Pen and decapitates one of the Hens with a flying carrot. Kryten comments 'Isn't strange that theres always Carrots in vomit? Even if you've never had one, I remember one time I vomitted after seeing Mr Listers toenails and I swear there was a carrot in it!'

At 10 pm the housemates gather in the lounge area for another discussion, tonight it's Listers turn and the crowd are enthralled of the tales of Listers sexual past. He, however goes too far and remarks 'Me and Rimmer went out on the pull one night on Planet leave, man, we got blitzed. Anyway, I was woken in the early hours by this bleating noise, turns out Rimmer was bunked up with a sheep!'

Rimmer stomps off crying and was quoted as saying 'Thats no way to talk about Missy, she has feelings, it was a great night'

DAY 4: The housemates are given another mini task, they have to sit quietly for 10 minutes without saying a word, if they pass they will be given a party that night. The housemates fail the task within 2 minutes when Cat asks if his butt still looks good. Later in the day Rimmer gets upset as Nirvannah is paying too much attention to Ace and not him. Nirvannah tells Ace that she's only doing it to make Rimmer jealous. Arlene on the other hand sneaks up on Rimmer and pinches his bum then pushes him up against the wall. Rimmer wets his pants.

Kochanski goes to the Den for the first time and sits reading a fashion magazine. Lister enters and they start talking about old times, the two get on pretty well and Lister puts his arm around Kris.

Lister leaves the Den a few minutes later holding his privates and sporting a black eye. Kochanski makes for the Notepad room and complains to Big Smegger about Lister and that he should be evicted. Big Smegger tells her that she's a 'bossy, moaning cow' who should learn to liven up and his request to involve an inflatable dinosaur and marmalade wasn't out of hand.

Tonight it is Petersen's turn to discuss his sexual past. He remarks on many a woman he has been with in his drunken haze. The housemates get scared when he remarks on a 'beautiful blonde called Simon with arms the size of Tugboats and facial hair thicker than pea soup'

DAY 5: The housemates decide they've had enough of the house already and all wish to be nominated. All that is except Petersen and Kill Crazy who are both unconscious after a punch up over the last bottle of Cider in the house.

Nirvannah is found in the Den in the afternoon crying. Kochanski hears her sobs and Nirvannah spills her heart about her love for Rimmer. Kochanski leaves the Den giggling and remarks to Arlene 'That sad woman, she likes that smeghead Rimmer, what a git, who'd like him, the sniveling phlegm ball'. Kochanski joins Petersen and Kill Crazy in a state of unconsciousness as Arlene reaches out for the nearest Plant pot.

Petersen, Kill Crazy and Kochanski come round for the nightly chat. Tonight it is Nirvannah's turn and she tells all about her past. Ace goes red as she tells everyone about her night of passion with him while he was still the lowly technician. The housemates are shocked as they find out she loves both Ace and the alive Rimmer.

Rimmer suggests that the three make a beeline for the Den as afterall 'Its both me, a dead me and a living me, game on!!'

DAY 6: Today is Kochanski's birthday and she is called into the Notepad Room just after breakfast. She is still annoyed at the tongue lashing she received from Big Smegger over the Lister incident. Big Smegger apologizes and offers one of two presents for her birthday. She can either have lots of expensive perfume and make up or she can have a party for all the housemates.

The housemates go to war over Kochanski's make-up and she is forced to barricade herself in the Womens bedroom. She smiles as she realises shes safe with all this make-up and perfume and that the womens bedroom has an en-suite Jacuzzi. It is nearing midnight when the housemates call a truce and Kochanski exits looking a million dollarpounds. Listers tongue unravels to his knees and he is heard by the housemates hitting the floor as he faints.

Tonight it is Arlene's turn to discuss her sexual past. The housemates go to bed early again, but Arlene boasts to Rimmer that at least her past lasted a whole minute longer than his.

DAY 7: The housemates have now been in the house a week and they wake up to their first Friday in the house. The sun is shining on the Terraformed planet. Kryten cooks breakfast as usual but the other housemates start to get tetchy as Kryten seems to be doing everything. Nirvannah complains that no-one else ever gets to cook or clean and that he's smothering everyone else. Kryten cries and falls into Listers arms. Kryten shouts expletives at Nirvannah who has to be held back by the other housemates. Cat remarks that everyone should chill and at least he doesn't have to do the 'W' word.

Cat is scrubbing the work surfaces an hour later as Big Smegger promises him 200 new suits. Cat works so hard scrubbing the rest of the housemates are amazed that they can see their faces in Listers boots. Lister, however, is annoyed as he was proud of the layers of grime that covered his footware.

Big Smegger lets the housemates enjoy their first week in the house by letting them have lots of drink. Petersen, however, is locked in the Notepad room as the other housemates get to taste their first alcoholic beverage since entering the house. Big Smegger doesn't feel sorry for Petersen as he cries alone, as Big Smegger is tough and doesn't give a smeg if nancy boys want to cry.

As the night wares on it turns out to be Aces turn to discuss his sexual past. The housemates crawl into bed as the sun is coming up the next morning.

The housemates have 2 more days before they have to nominate housemates for eviction.