Back in the Red

This is an SOS Distress call from the JMC Ship-to-surface Vessel, Starbug 1. Holy, holy, holy Lord its been a very long time since my last message. Blast this confounded contraption, its crashed more times than Windows 95! Quite alot has happened since my last Log, we've gone through time holes, fought wars and won and even landed on a replica of Earth, entered a fancy dress competition at Butlins and had sex with many, many beautiful ladies... ok the latter isn't true but Butlins has never had a more convincing Widow Twanky! Here's what has happened in the last few months......

Since Normans death fun on board ship has slowly declined, theres only so many times you can give him the hologramatic version of the Black Death before the novelty starts to wear off. Kill Crazy no longer gets beatings and now we just let Ackerman walk round with a feather duster wearing a maids outfit because to be honest we're bored smegless. I'm a married man but theres something about Ackerman in that outfit and suspenders that can turn a guys head.

Petersen has really cleaned up his act, he's now the chief pilot, since he cut down to only 2 bottles of Jack Daniels and a bucket of turps a day we feel really safe with him at the helm. We decided to forgive him after he flew us into an asteroid field, as we crash landed on a nearby planetoid completely inhabited by Nymphomaniacs. Unfortunately for us because Petersen was so intoxicated his breath had made us all pissed and what we thought were women turned out to be genetically mutated Goats. Oh well, it makes a change from the usual grapefruit I suppose.

Not long after we were boarded by Simulants and held captive for 40 days and 40 nights. In the end Norman came in useful as they got so bored of his tales of when he took part in the Universal Tomahawk Dancing Competition of 2134 they let us go. Petersen got something out of the captivity too, one of the Simulants phone numbers, I wouldn't have minded had he not had a handlebar moustache, Olaf swears he was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. I wonder if he'd say that if he'd woken up the morning after with his spleen wrapped round his neck.

Games night gets better and better as we discover more interesting games to play. My personal favourite is 'Throw Axes and Knives at Kill Crazy's Genitalia' game. Its just abit of fun but he no longer lets us play that as he swears he never used to be circumcised.

I have a sneaky suspicion that the crew are trying to dump me on a planetoid. Its nothing major, its just little things like.... taking off without me and leaving me clinging on to Starbugs landing strut for a few thousand miles and just the general 'Oh come and look in this Pit'... 'What Pit'....... *push*..... 'Arrrrrrgh'..... 'that pit Captain'

Though one good thing to come out of it is that I've become the Universal Grand Master at Landing Strut Surfing.

One other bit of good news is that we found a derelict last month with a years supply of Fun Sized Crunchie bars, unfortunately I've ate them all already.

Anyway, thats it for now, I'm just off to watch Normans face rotting to decay, oh its such fun giving him diseases....