Back in the Red

This is an SOS Distress call from the JMC Ship-to-surface Vessel, Starbug 1. Its been quite a few months since my last transmission. I'm sorry about my 6th Log being cut. I'm sorry if you thought I was in danger, all that was coming towards us was a pair of Norman's underpants which Kill Crazy thought he'd throw at me for a laugh. I couldn't stop being sick for about 6 hours, they smelt as if they'd been worn for 20 years and hadn't seen a washing machine in that time, I'm still trying to wash the smell out of my hair! The reason there hasn't been any Logs is because I'm basically a lazy smegger with no drive, ah well.

After the fiasco with Normans underpants things quietened down, mainly because we caught Kill Crazy and beat 10 layers of smeg out of him. I don't think he appreciated Mr Ackermans baton up his rectum either. We've come across quite a few odd things in the months alone in space. I think we're not far behind Red Dwarf now, we encountered a minefield of curry cartons only one man could eat so much curry to form a Currybelt, there were a few scrapes coming through that and for a moment we thought we'd be decapitated by a stray shard of Naan bread, fortunately it deflected off some Garlic bread and misses the view screen by inches. This babies so badly made you only have to breath on the cockpit window and it'll crack. We're holding the engines on with chewing gum!

Norman, sadly, passed away 2 months ago. He got on the wrong end of Kill Crazy's head and the resultant clash knocked him over a balcony and sent him sprawling 50 feet across the Cargo Bay floor. We ate well for the first time in months that night.

Being the kind guy I am I decided to resurrect him as a Hologram, so not only now is he back 'alive' but we can take the piss out of him again. The only drawback is that we can no longer hit him round the head for no reason but we counteract this by plugging him into the Games console and having him have the crap beaten out of him on some Kung Fu beat 'em up. At last the fun has returned to our dull lives!

I'm become scared of Mr Ackerman, I'm beginning to believe that he is gay not that I have a problem with that. He keeps leaving little cards and gifts on my pillow. I think it must be the loneliness of space, although I do have a great body and I suppose he is kinda cute in a psychotic kind of way.

We came across a derelict last month which was entirely populated by Hologramatic members of the YMCA. It was a great night, I last saw Ackerman sneaking off with one of those in the black leather and the moustaches. He didn't return to Starbug until the morning. I woke up limping, I can't think for the life of me why.

And this month.... well, not much has happened. Petersen decided to poison us by putting rat poison on our evening meal. He said that he wasn't drunk and he'd just mixed up the Rat Poison and Pepper containers. Unfortunately Norman was unaffected because he's dead so we decided to give him Hologramatic Flu. Just because he's dead doesn't mean he's getting away with it!

Nothing much else has happened, must sign off its Fancy Dress night tonight and I'm going as a cross dressing Hitler but hey, who'll notice the difference?