Back in the Red

This is an SOS Distress call from the JMC Ship-to-surface Vessel, Starbug 1. It has been over a month since my last log and with very good reason. This crate is so damn old we still use Mac Computers and the smegging thing has kept crashing. We also came across the film 'Vampire Bikini Girls Do America' on a derelict a while back, man, what those girls can do with a crucifix beggers belief. I still don't think we've fully recovered, oh man, they're so great. I better finish this as quick as possible so I can go watch it again and maybe again just to make sure I have a firm grasp of the plot. Heres what else has happened....

Over the last month spirits have dropped to an all time low. Petersen has nearly drunk the whole supply dry. We've resorted to drinking Urine Re-cyc, it leaves a tangy after taste. We were shocked to find we couldn't remove the foam moustache afterwards as Kill Crazy had swigged the last of our supply. He's currently out cold in the Medi Bay after a beating from Mr Ackerman.

A few days later we came across a craft on which we found a Sentimorph in a Stasis Pod (for those who don't know a Sentimorph is a creature that logs into your subconscious and shifts into the shape of what you most desire). It was great fun and it greatly raised the spirits of the crew. That is until it shaped into Ackerman's sexual desire, a busty, overweight German Army Officer called Hilda. We were soon plotting a plan in case of war. Of course we shot her into space when she decided she would stay this way forever. Sadly, our attempts to shoot Norman out along with her were scuppered due to the fact that he was hiding again.

Last week we were hit by a passing asteroid and crash landed on a GELF Moon. We were captured and were to be sacrificed for their New Year God. We were stripped down to our underpants and our bodies were smeared with Raspberry Jam, we only escaped thanks to the curry we'd had the previous night. Flatulence aplenty and it knocked the GELF'S out cold due to the lack of oxygen. We fled as quickly as possible. We left them a present though to show our gratitude. We decide to urinate in their shoes before they started to stir.

This week has been quite quiet with only a handful of things going wrong. It started off badly when were pulled over by an Intergalactic Traffic Warden and we got a ticket for going 50 in a 40 zone. Kill Crazy has been banned from flying for 6 months and we've had to stick one of those Learner Driver L's in the cockpit window because Norman is yet to pass his test. On Wednesday we passed through a wormhole and came out in a Reverse Universe. We all turned into woman and were equipped with large breasts and leg wax. Boy, was it hard to leave that place.

Probably the strangest thing to have happened recently was the disappearance of the Hob Nob biscuit supply, we suspect it was Kill Crazy as we found him in a cupboard with chocolate on his hands and his face. He defended himself by offering the excuse that he was 'Sleep Eating' again and nobody thought to accuse him when the gherkins were going missing. Bastard!! I wondered who was eating those!!

This is Captain F. Hollister, signing.... oh my god, whats that huge thing heading towar...... *transmission cut*