Back in the Red

This is an SOS Distress call from the JMC Ship-to-surface Vessel, Starbug 1. This is the 5th of my Captains Logs. Of the many weeks we have spent out here since fleeing Red Dwarf like the bunch of badass dudes we are this one has been the most bizarre of the lot. We passed through a 'Mind Field' on Tuesday morning which distorted everything and made everything all colourful and psychedelic. In fact the last time I experienced such an episode was when Lister removed his socks in my Office. His feet are so bad they interfere with radio waves!... Here's whats happened since the last Log.....

After our voyage to trip out city on Tuesday by Wednesday things had got back to normal. That means Norman was hiding again, this time under the scanner table and Kill Crazy was out cold. I am becoming more and more wary of fellow crew members private habits. Yesterday I found a magazine in Ackermans quarters entitled 'Make-Up and other assorted female accessories for the Modern Man", I just hope no-one looks under my bed and finds my private stash of 'Leather Fetish Monthly'.

Normans secret desire of hiding went abit too far on Wednesday. He'd lodged himself down the garbage chute. We thought 'What the smeg' and decided to prod the gimp with a broom. Norman is currently picking the splinters out of his backside!. I've had a low estimate of Patersen ever since he joined my ship but this week he is the No 1 crew member in my book. His rock cakes proved to be a hit with the crew, especially Kill Crazy as it was him we were pelting them at!

Disaster struck on Thursday, its left the crew in a state of shock, how our lives can go on due to this tragedy is a miracle. Theres a sense of mourning, we've completely run out of Fun Sized Crunchie Bars and we're desperately seeking a derelict with supplies. If you get this message and you have these chocolaty treats then send them us now, we don't care about being helped, we just need the sweet, sweet chocolate. When they first came out they were withdrawn as being to addictive to the consumer. I see no evidence of this.

Tensions were high on Friday, there was an argument about who would get the last Sausage Roll, Ackerman won the argument and Petersen spent the rest of the day with a turnip lodged in a quiet place.

Ok, that's it for this Captains Log, and if you have the chocolate bars, GIVE THEM US NOW!!!!