back
in the red:
CAPTAINS LOG 2
Hollisters cries for help:
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This
is an SOS Distress call from the
JMC Ship-to-surface Vessel,
Starbug 1. I have been Marooned
in space for many weeks now after
I fled my ship 'Red Dwarf' when
it was attacked by a chameleonic
lifeform. I'm stuck on this
God-forsaken craft until help
arrives and the company here
isn't exactly what you'd call
intellectual!. Mr Ackerman is
some kind of psychotic, Peterson
is a drunken layabout, Kill Crazy
would love to get us all killed
on some bizarre mission and as
for Norman!? Well, all I'll say
is the less said about him, the
better!!. Here's what has
happened recently........ |
The
last 2 weeks have been very interesting.
As stated in the first Captains Log, Mr
Ackerman suspected Norman of stealing his
Glass Eye. This turned out to be wrong as
Kill Crazy had mistaken it for a Pickle
and had eaten it!. When it finally came
out of his system Mr Ackerman was in no
hurry to put the eye back in it's
rightful place. Instead he seemed intent
of putting back up where it came from.
Kill Crazy is yet again sedated in the
Medi Bay, mainly put in a state of
unconsciousness by Ackerman.
Last
week we came across a derelict which
turned out to be infested by Scantly Clad
Sex Goddesses... actually, no, that was a
dream I had but you have to cling onto
something haven't you... oh god what I
wouldn't give for one of those women and
a jar of Marmite .... er.... anyway.....
Peterson
is also in a state of unconsciousness.
This brought great displeasure to Mr
Ackerman as Olaf had drunk himself into
that state thus rendering Ackermans
repeated pummeling total useless. In the
end he had to be pulled away from beating
him by Myself and Norman, who I must add
has a bowel disorder that means it isn't
a good idea to feed him curry. This
causes many problems on curry night and
the room has to be sealed for 4 hours
afterwards to let the smell finally
disperse.
Just
yesterday we came across another derelict
where we found a tortoise in one of the
Stasis Booths. Kill Crazy has since given
it a collar and a lead and has named it
Jaws, even though it should really be
called Gums!!. This earned him another
beating and another day of
unconsciousness as he broke the rule
about Pets on Mining Vessels. So far he
has enjoyed just 18 hours, 14 minutes and
22 seconds of consciousness since we left
the Dwarf 4 weeks ago.
Norman
risked his life after the TV Aerial was
damaged by a passing asteroid. He went
outside the ship to fix it. We were so
pleased we finally let him back in after
the London Jets Zero G Football Team had
won their match, which overan and went
for another hour of extra time after it
was tied at Full Time.
OK,
thats all for now. If there is anyone out
there please help. Things are critical,
we're already down to just 700 tubs of
Strawberry Jelly, if we go on like this
we'll be down to 400 by June.
This is
Captain F. Hollister, signing off.....
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