back
in the red:
CAPTAINS LOG 1
Hollisters cries for help:
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This
is an SOS Distress call from the
JMC Ship-to-surface Vessel,
Starbug 1. A couple of weeks ago
my ship 'Red Dwarf' was attacked
by a Chameleonic lifeform, I
expect that it has now decayed
beyond repair and my sincerest
apologies go to all the probably
'now dead' personnel left
onboard. If there is anyone out
there then please contact us. I
escaped with Mr Ackerman,
Catering Officer Olaf Petersen,
Tank inmate 'Kill Crazy' and some
guy called Norman who list's his
hobbie's as Toenail Tiddlywinks
and Penguin Juggling!!. He's a
very nice guy though Games night
can tend to get a little bit
messy!!!. Heres what's happened
in the last couple of weeks.... |
We are
lost in this infinite, vast nothingness
of space. In our first week since leaving
Red Dwarf the scanners picked up signs of
life on 14 nearby moons, 14 times we went
to explore, 14 times there was no
lifesigns and 14 times Kill Crazy nearly
killed us all. He's currently sedated in
the Medi Bay, where we hope to keep him
for the rest of the journey!!. We finally
knocked him out by repeatedly beating him
with a 12lb Lump Hammer, for some reason
injecting him with a 'knock out' drug
seemed to have no effect.
Night's
onboard are all a blur. I have a
suspicion that Petersen is an alcoholic.
Being Catering Officer he is responsible
for making our food and after consuming
Dinner each night the remainder of the
evening seems to consist of wearing
womens secret things, singing loudly and
vomiting in someones hat. We suspect that
he's putting something Alcoholic in the
food, we're currently investigating.
Mr
Ackerman is currently annoyed as someone
seem's to have stolen his glass eye when
he was sleeping, if anyone finds it,
please wrap it up and give it to him as a
present, just be prepared to have the
living crap beaten out of you. Norman has
gone missing somewhere on board, we
suspect he's living as a hermit in the
engine room. Mr Ackerman is currently
getting kitted up to go and find him as
he believe's thats where his Glass eye
has gone. I'll tell you what happens in
the next Captains Log.
We had
a water supply shortage in our second
week. We had to resort to drinking Kill
Crazy's Pee, only for him to notify us he
had a water infection. For the last week
it burns to pass water, this earned Kill
Crazy another day of unconiousness.
Ok,
time to sign off. I'll be sending out
another distress call soon. I have a
sneaky suspicion this message will be
intercepted and watched by someone who'll
have a good laugh at out plight.
This is
Captain F. Hollister, signing off...
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