back in the red: ACE CHRONICLES
written by Kelly Cowley:

Arnold J Rimmer BSc had been Ace for nearly 6 months. It was amazing how much a blonde wig and a plumy accent could boost his bravado.

"Commander- My sensors have detected a simulent war in the nearby sector!" squealed his lovesick computer.

"No need for hysterics, old girl. I'm sure it isn't something a spot of dashing heroism won't resolve in a jiffy."

"You must defeat the evil Space Lord, free the GELF slaves, rescue the princess a spit second before her execution and prevent the planet from bursting into flames- Ace, its certain death!"

"Stiff upper modem, old girl. If my meagre demise can help forward their cause, then it's a sacrifice worth making."

Rimmer patched in the galactic co-ordinates and tossed his hair.

"The Princess is very beautiful. Rumour has it that being allergic to all other fabrics she only ever wears PVC. I suppose you will make love to her." the computer sulked.

"God knows what those regal ladies see in an old scallywag like me!" Rimmer smirked, "However if we do get slushy later, I swear that I'll be thinking of your impassioned electronic vocals the whole time."

"Oh Ace! What a guy..." Sparks flew and heat levels rose as the Wildfire computer swooned itself offline.

Rimmer sauntered down to the scanner table and began his favourite part of the mission- drawing up the battle plans! Fun as his fluke triumphs and vivacious sex life were, the bureaucrat inside him still savoured the organisation stages of Hero work. At least no little git would taunt him for it these days. Rimmer had the Universe at his feet and life was perfect. Almost...

Okay- He had to admit it! He was missing Lister. After spending so much time trapped with the scuzy gimboid he had become somewhat attached to his slobby liberalism and madras body odour. On other days he would find himself missing Krytens gleefully whistle as he mopped the gallery floor. Was he cracking up? Maybe he just wasn't used to being alone.

Over the last few months, Rimmer had to got himself some new companions. He'd recruited alternative versions of his old crewmates from parallel dimensions. There were differences (quite drastic differences in fact), but Rimmer was convinced when the initial bickering had subsided, they would begin to feel like a posse. He had even recovered a derelict Starbug and fitted it with the Wildfire drive. Home sweet home...

"I cant find my constellation sticker book anywhere, sir!"

"Never mind the damn geek equipment, Dibbly. We have a civilisation to save! Grab a clean anorak and tool up the bazookoids."

In an infinite universe- if a thing can exist, then it must exist. Working as a dimensional jumper, this little phrase had become Rimmer's motto (If you didn't count "Smoke me a kipper..."). But even knowing this for a fact, he could barely get over his shock when he found a real life embodiment of the TIV alter ego. He couldn't believe one decision in his own past had somehow reduced Cat into the Duke of Dork! But after having suffered the prancing felines in yer face cool for so many years, Rimmer had been only too happy to let his geeky debasement join the crew.

"Golly! Another adventure!" Duane cheered. He clapped his hands and bounced on his heals. "Will there be girls this time?"

"I believe a scantily-clad damsel in distress might enter into the equation. Of course with you around I wont stand a chance in the romance department. I'll be writing into the lonely-hearts column, my old donut."

"Humn...you really think so sir? Well, my mum always said I was the handsomest boy at the micro-soft convention. It's a lucky thing I kept this handy!"

Duane beamed as he produced a lime green triple-thick condom from his pokemon lunch box. "You never know!" he twinkled.

Rimmer tried not to let the nauseating idea of Duane having sexual intercourse cause him to vomit down his best poloneck. He stared down at the blank sheet of paper entitled "Mission Stratagem" with growing impotence. The bucktoothed mop-head scuttled into the kitchen area and began to make up his customary tuna fish and pickle sandwiches with the crusts cut off.

Suddenly, the pugnacious clumping of steel toe-capped boots were heard storming down the stairs. Rimmer grimaced. The sedative must have worn off.

"Okay Bitches!" Lister snarled, "Time for a rumble- those simulent smegbrains are asking for it and I've got a thirsting for battery acid!"

Rimmer shifted his weight so that he was in arms length of the fire axe. He smiled in the petrified way you might smile at a rabid pitbull that wanted to bite off your testicles.

"One step at a time, my old kiwi fruit." Rimmer soothed, "Best to draw up some battle plans before we buccaneer our way into an early grave. Don't you agree?"

"I'm gonna eat out their hard drives and throttle them with vital circuits!"

"Err...excuse me, sir" twittered Duane as he plugged in his note-taker "...what was that plan again? I'm such a dork- I wasn't paying attention!"

Lister leered at the hapless dweeb. "It's a plan involving the words 'Mushroom cloud', 'Kamikaze' and 'Wave goodbye to your metal arse-holes'!"

"We'll call that plan B." Rimmer stated, strictly.

"I want to twat the bastards!" Lister yelled, jabbing the air with his fists.

Rimmer sighed. Lister hadn't been the same since his polymorph encounter. In his reality Rimmer had convinced the Cat and Kryten to abandon him in Red Dwarf's medi-bay. Unfortunately for them, the polymorph had jumped ship too, disguised as a small pot plant. Lister had been left onboard to roam around fearlessly and occasionally hack a skutter to death. Rimmer had rescued him in the hope that he could rehabilitate the poor old kidney bean.

"Look here, Skipper. I'm the one in command of this foolhardy mission. If anyone's going to bite the big one- it's muggins here."

"You reckon I don't have the bottle?!"

"No, I reckon you're nuttier than a vegetarians Christmas roast" Rimmer said evenly, "Now cool it."

The crazed human huffed and puffed with hyperactive rage. He was beyond control. The baseball bat smashed down on the scanner table and sent Duane's cabbage water soup exploding from his thermos.

"You big klutz..." Duane tutted, rolling his eyes.

"Shut it, you little tart!" Lister screeched. He charged into the kitchen area and began to force feed Duane his own plastic sandals at butter knifepoint.

"Waaaagggghhh!"

"Grrrrr!!"

"Now steady on, my old chum burgers..."

Rimmer stood up to intervene, but then relented thinking it best to leave the munchkins to it. He strolled into the cockpit, where a green bodied mechanoid was slumped in the pilot seat. An empty bottle of ultra-zone lay at his feet.

"How's the traffic?" Rimmer tested.

"What...who..." slurred Able as if coming out of a trance. Suddenly he vaulted upright in his chair and poked randomly at the control pads. "Oh yeah! I'm supposed to be flying this gizmo, ain't I." He chuckled, moronically, "Guess must have dozed off..."

The intoxicated wastrel yanked at a lever, which broke away in his ham-fisted hands.

"Oopsy-daisy!"

"Nevermind that, my old potato peeler. Have we reached the simulent quadrant yet?"

"Err...hang on a minute."

Able clutched his temples and performed his constipated chimp impression. 10 minutes later, the results of his fast-think drive came through.

"Well Boss- I have no idea where the smeg we are." He grinned, proudly.

"Oh for Gods sake!" Rimmer exploded, "If I had known you were going to be this useless, I never would have rescued you from that damn simulent ship in the first place!" Rimmer paused, realising how 'un-Ace-like' he was sounding.

"Oh man..." Able shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe if you fixed me up with another bottle of my favourite chemical...I'd be a more bodacious driver, you know...like outta this world...Wow! Head rush..." He frowned. "What was I just saying?"

Rimmer wasn't listening. He had started tapping out a message on the communications screen-

This is an SOS distress call TO the mining ship Red Dwarf. I have somehow managed to saddle myself with a crew more whacked out and brain frozen than you guys. Consequently, I would like to apologise for all the times that I irritated you to the brink of insanity. I suppose I'm getting a taste of my own medicine...

Although I'm in the wrong dimension, disguised as a space adventurer and have no way of ever returning to my own reality- I hope to see you all again. Some day.

Yours in deep smeg

Old Ironballs (SMAKIBBFB)